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I Hate It Here But I Don't Miss My Mom's Home Either

04 May 2017

I don’t know which of my two homes is worse. As all married women in our country I am supposed to be lucky to have two families and two homes. But what if I hate being at my husband’s house and I do not feel like going back to my mother’s home either?

Because that is the case with me. It would be better if I had none of these two homes. I don’t feel like I belong in either one of them. And the two people who are the reason behind this are my mother and my mother-in law.

Both of them have made it impossible for me to be happy. They have made it impossible for me to have any sort of affectionate feelings towards either of the houses.

I feel like screaming out to both women.

Mom, you are the reason I don’t feel like coming back to your house. No I don’t think of it as my home any more. Because all I have are memories of trembling in fright when you and dad used to fight.

When you used to hit the walls in anger, I was on the other side of that wall. Crying silently. Scared.

Both of you used me as a pawn in your twisted ego battles. Do you know what that left me with? It left me feeling that I was just a convenient accessory you could use to score a point on the other. That was all I was ever noticed for. When dad passed away, I actually thought things would get better. But they did not.

Because my entire life you have tried to control me. You did not even let school be my haven, as my performance there was the benchmark with which you measured your love for me. You have made every decision for me. You have controlled each and every aspect of my life. When you were pleased with the result, that was the only time I got some affection from you.

You thought that loving children leads to spoiling them. You measured your love for me. My entire childhood has been spent trying to please you. You even got me married with the guy of your choice.

And where has that led me. To an equally unhappy place. The demons have followed me here too.

And dear mother in law, aren’t you tired of proving all the stereotypes? I had come to your house with hopes of making a new beginning. By leaving an unhappy place behind. But you could never get over the insecurity of losing your position in your son’s life. You never let your son grow up from under your wings. You found fault with everything I did. You wanted to bring in a domestic helper, not a family member. And an unpaid one at that. You never let your son's affection reach me. You fought hard for your sons loyalties to be on your side. And your son, he was never strong enough to understand your mind games. Or maybe he did, but turned a blind eye.

You have made this place unbearable for me. I am unhappy and miserable here because of you. But look at the irony; I cannot even go back to the place I used to call home. Things are not any better there. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. Married with two families and yet no place that I would want to call my own.

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Dear mother and mother in law, both of you have broken me down in ways that make it difficult for me to have confidence in myself.

But enough is enough. I am not going to sit and cry about all this. I cannot let my happiness depend on how people see me. Even my closest ones. I have to be strong, and I have to create a place for myself where I will be happy. I am going to find a place where I can call my own. I am going to do whatever it takes for me to find my comfort. I will make my own place. I will make my own haven.