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My Husband Left Me Three Years Ago, Yet I’m Still Stuck In The Past

03 May 2017

How could he do it to me?

How could he just decide to get up and leave one day?

Did I mean so little to him?

I wish I could get some more time with him, I can turn him around.

I will make him fall back in love with me.

***

These were a few of the things that had been haunting my mind ever since that one day three years ago. I still remember the exact date and time, when Amar told me that he wanted to separate from me. He did not love me anymore. He had fallen in love with somebody else.

“What about Siya and Hrishi?” I had cried.

“I love them and they are still my responsibility. They are my children. I will care for them, and provide for them and love them. Whenever you allow, I will spend time with them. But I cannot help it, I have to leave. I don’t love you anymore.” That was his reply. His coldness, his finality…it just silenced me and took the fight out of me.

I was devastated then. But three years on, I am still feeling the unsaid words choking my throat, I’m still feeling that old hurt. I have still not been able to come out of that trauma.

I had the beautiful support of my family and friends around me then as well as now. But I just got lost somewhere in all this.

I kept on going over and over about what I could have done differently. Where did I go wrong, how had this happened? Then I would suddenly have a mood swing and feel angry. I’d think, “I hate his guts” and I’d think of ways to plot revenge. Soon though I’d be back to crying in my pillow, missing him and feeling sorry for myself.

Thing is, I never came out of the victim zone. Everybody tried to reason with me. Tried to show me a picture with a better future. But I refused to see it. I ended up just getting angry at them.

"How dare they tell me to come out of it? Can’t they see what has happened to my life? They just don’t understand me." After some time they gave up too.

I was letting the trauma overpower my life. My health was ruined. I put on weight. I started binge eating. And then I started hating myself for what I had turned into. Never in my wildest imagination had I imagined this happening to me. Maybe it was my ego that was bruised beyond repair. Or it was the helplessness. I don’t know. I was stuck in that moment of three years ago and did not have the tools to come out of it.

I never realized that the people, who suffered the worst due to this decision and me being stuck with self pity, were my children. They did not deserve this at all. The poor souls were so lost and confused. Firstly they had lost the continuous physical presence of their father, and then they had lost the emotional support of their mother. One day I had caught Siya crying by herself. Hrishi was trying to pat her hand and trying to calm his elder sister with a bewildered and scared look on his face.

That was the day things changed for me. That was my rock bottom. I nearly broke down thinking about what I had put my kids through. I couldn’t believe what I had become. Here I was blaming someone for leaving me alone, and here I was, doing the same to my kids.

That was when I realized that I was severely depressed and I needed to take help to come out of it. I started talking to a therapist few months ago. This process helped me to accept what had happened and that I no longer had the power to turn the clock back. Therapy helped me come face to face with the truth. It helped me get my strength back. It helped me to build back my confidence.

The journey is far from over. But I am slowly getting there. I have to keep my ego aside and become a better role model for my children. They deserve better than this crying, angry and lost woman. The anger is still there. But the helplessness is slowly reducing. And I am confident that one day I will come out of this. I will survive. I know I will.     

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Tags: #Husband #Wife #Divorce #Pain