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My Wife Will Never Come Back To Me, But At Least I Found Myself

03 May 2017

"There is no meaning to my life. I feel like I am just drifting here and there. I mean what is my purpose?"

The therapist listened quietly.

That was me at my first session with a counselor. Today almost two months from then, I am in a much better state.

Let me tell you my story.

Mine had been a textbook life till the time my wife left me. The kind of life that parents dream about for their child. Studies, higher degrees, job, marriage family planning…. Everything happened on schedule. It seemed like a successful life if you looked at it from the outside. But if you ask me, from the inside, I had no idea what I had done, and what I had achieved. I had no idea what I had set out to do. That’s why I didn’t even know if I had reached.

When I was in school, I was among the better-than-average students, but I never remember having the drive to be among the top students. All I remember is the feeling of futility of these exams.

When I got placed in a good company after my MBA, I was sort of happy, though not ecstatic. My family definitely was. I was with that company for two years. I have changed four jobs from that day till date. None of the jobs have ever given me a sense of purpose. I was just there, going through the drill because it was expected of me. 

My parents started looking for a match for me. I did not have much opinion about their criteria. I pretty much went along with the girl they chose. We had a good life together. At my various jobs, I gave what was expected of me, no more, no less. I did not get into the politics of vying for a higher position. Climbing the ladder ambitiously never came from within me. I graciously took the promotions that came my way. But I did not aim for them.

As I went from one day to the next, I never realized that I was just floating through life. The excitement had left my eyes. My life had become a drill.

Because of all this I realize now that maybe I was unfair to my wife. I never strived to give in my best to the relationship. I was comfortable going with the flow. I treated our relationship as more of a responsibility than love and Disha understood that. She left me five years ago, just when we had started discussing having a baby together. She was crying as she told me that she did not want to bring a child into a loveless marriage, that both she and I deserved a better life. I was really shocked, but ultimately I did not even have the drive to win her back.

Did her leaving bother me? Yes it did. I loved her. And I still do. But somewhere I understood why she left, and I did not feel like making any efforts make any big changes.

My life continued as before. Forty, divorced, staying alone. With my 6th job.

So I still don’t know what made me see the therapist for the first time. But it was a rainy day. Maybe the guilt about my marriage was eating me. Maybe I was bored. I don’t know. I saw a number on this website when I was just browsing through. And instinctively I made a call. That was one of the few times I have ever done anything instinctively.

When the therapist asked me what my passion was, I realized that I had never given it a thought. I did not know what my passion was. I was in deep shock. Was I a person who had no passion? I had always done things that were expected of me.

I had never given a thought to what my passion in life would be.

My therapist asked me to calm down and give it a thought for a week. What was it that interested me? What made me feel happy?

At the end of the week, I realized that I was most deeply moved with anything that had to do with nature. Be it the cute puppy videos or the disturbing animal torture ones. Animals moved me. She asked me to start volunteering with an NGO during my weekends. I started doing that and my life changed.

Others around me could feel the difference in me. I began smiling a lot more. I got an aim in life.

Today I am seriously considering leaving my current job to be associated full time with the NGO. Initially I was apprehensive about the pay cut and the adjustments that I would have to make. But fortunately right now I have nobody who is dependent on me financially. The hardest part is quitting doing what is expected of me. It seems like a huge leap outside my comfort zone.

I have not yet decided about this. But I am happy that there is an option for me, for which I feel excited about. I am taking one day at a time. I  miss my wife but I also feel happy for her as I know she is settled again and happy in her life…

I will not want to live purposeless any more, certainly not go with the flow…

I will reach the place where the reins of my life are in my own hands. I will take charge this time.

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Tags: #Life #Flow #NoPassion #NoZeal #ButIWILL