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I am still wandering here and there for happiness

28 Apr 2017

Calling up my mother every night is a ritual I follow everyday. Our lives are intertwined and also seem similar to me. My mother has seen too much in life. She suffered at the hands of my father. He cheated on her openly and abused her all the same.

 

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He wasn’t good to me either. My mother went through this heartbreaking treatment for years. I knew she loved him too much to let go. She lived in ignorance till something horrible happened and she left my dad. I don’t know what happened. I never asked her. But I know her decision was right. She worked really hard to raise me. As a single mother her life was extremely tough. I have seen the worst of times growing up but she never gave up. I am so proud of her. I never saw her smiling much that’s the biggest thing that bothers me. I grew feeling up insecure. I could never trust men. I didn’t want to depend on anyone emotionally but I looked out for that same  support. I wanted a support but was scared to get into the same path. None of my relationships worked for long. The loneliness used to make me insecure and needy. I felt hollow and life was complicated.

Years passed and I found a guy I could depend on. I needed a support badly and he entered my life at the right time. I clinged on to him and the relationship. I didn’t want to lose him. We goòt married but things weren’t rosy as I hoped they would be. It was difficult to trust him. He was too engrossed in work. No time for me. No outings together. I felt he was hiding something.  I felt he wasn’t happy to be with me. Superficially all looked ok but internally I felt something wasn’t right. He used to get calls and messages at odd hours. Even though he said the calls were from his team members working in the US shift but something kept nagging me. I was scared to ask directly. I didn’t want to hurt him. I was not happy like this. I felt insecure and always worried that he would leave me one day. I felt suffocated and living with fear was making me very unhappy. I wanted someone who would truly belong to me and need me with all that they have.

I was ecstatic and beyond happy when I found out I am going to be a mother. My dream was coming true. I felt wanted and important. Finally I will have someone who would only be mine. I wanted to feel indispensable in someone's life. I had lot of plans for my baby. I knew how I wanted to raise him/her. I was eagerly waiting for the baby to arrive. I needed a reason to live. That reason was shaping up inside my womb. But it was extremely short lived. I lost again. I lost this baby. The miscarriage was totally unexpected and broke me. I cried for weeks. I looked lifeless. Life was as usual full of problems. I was alone again. Unimportant and unwanted. My husband was equally shattered. I felt I failed him too. I was worried that he would leave me and find a healthy woman to give birth to his child. He was supportive but it wasn’t enough. It’s very painful to live like this. I feel more insecure now. I don’t want to suffer like my mother. I feel trapped in all my problems. Nothing is going right. I feel wronged all the time. I want a loving life minus all these insecurities. Will I ever come out of this upsetting life I wonder. I am still wandering here and there for happiness.

 

 

 

 

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Tags: #Happiness #Issues #Sadness