I Am A LOSER. And I Know It
27 Apr 2017
Do you think I don’t know what you are feeling?
When you were talking about that foreign holiday, you looked at me and suddenly changed the topic. Do you think I don’t realize how you skirt around the topic of money when I am present in the group? When you talk about buying that house, you try to avoid my eyes. Do you think I don’t realize when in the middle of conversations, you are trying subtly to give me some hints about investments and how to earn some side money?
I know you must be talking behind my back, pitying me, ridiculing me maybe. I can feel your stares on my back.
I am a loser. And I know it.
I know I have made some wrong decisions in my life. I know I have tried something out of the box and I have failed.
Right now it’s like nothing is working for me. All my decisions are going wrong somewhere. I am feeling scared to take any more new decision with regards to my work. I have lost all the confidence that I once felt about myself. I have lost the strength in my wings.
At 33, when I have to start my life from scratch, trust me it is extremely difficult. More than the actual struggle, it’s your judgment that hurts.
However much we talk about equality and feminism and all that, society still looks down upon a guy who cannot sufficiently provide for his family. I wonder why there are double standards in this department.
You call my wife with terms like poor she, what hard luck, it must be so difficult and on and on
I have to put on a brave face. I have to tell myself to pick myself up and get going again. When I face all of you, I have to put on a strong front. I know all of you mean well. But it still stings. When I see all of you almost settled in life, I feel like a loser. I don’t feel like being a part of your conversations any more.
You can sugar coat it in front of me all you want, but I know what you feel about me. I know you pity me.
Sometimes I can’t bear it. Sometimes I feel like locking myself up. Sometimes I feel like I will show you all one day. One day I will come out of this and make all of you regret your pity. But then I know that is not the right way to go.
I have to get out of this myself. I have to pick myself up and start working for myself.
My journey is a little longer than yours.
It has a few more bumps than yours.
But I will be back on my feet before you know it.
It is a setback, a huge one no doubt. But I am a fighter. At the end my journey is going to make all of you envious.
Ill give all that my family deserves, all that my wife desires! I am a man of my words and I WILL
Just wait and watch.
Tags: #IWILLAPP #LOSER #NOTANYMORE