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I Don't Need 'MEDICINES'... I Need A Place To Call My Own

26 Apr 2017

It didn’t surprise me that my parents couldn’t wait to marry me off. I think it was only fear of the law that made them wait till I was at the ripe old age of 18. The thing is, to my parents I was a liability they wanted to get rid of. My brother was THEIR child while I was someone who had to be quickly passed on to a husband and his hapless parents.

So, at an age where I did not have the empowerment or resources to protest, I was married off in a small ceremony and everything got over quickly. I was no longer their daughter and I belonged to my husband they said. How did I feel then? Maybe a bit of hope. I was tired of being a second-class citizen in my own home—I didn’t even cry while leaving. I had met my husband just twice before marriage but I was hoping I would get all the lost love at my in-laws’ place.

But it was just a dream of a young girl. In reality, it was a nightmare. I never felt welcomed. It was still not a home. I felt I was hopping between hotels that had problems with accepting me as a guest. I tried hard to be a good daughter-in-law but they just wouldn’t accept me like their own. My husband is nice but he didn’t like to get involved in family conflicts. He showed me love in private, but did not support me in front of his family.

I have been living like a stranger in this house for years now, and things have just been getting worse. During family get-togethers, they frown if I try to sit and mingle with the guests—I’m supposed to stay in the kitchen and emerge only to serve everyone. It’s a good thing my own parents trained me well, right?

But perhaps my parents’ training wasn’t so perfect because I still have trouble accepting all this. I still get angry. I told them once that I wanted to feel involved. I told them that their behaviour makes me feel like an outcast. They called me crazy for imagining things and trying to give a bad name to their family. They started saying that I have mental issues and my parents didn’t inform them. My parents were not even interested in speaking to me when once I called them crying. They had given me up completely. I can't believe real parents can do that. How could they do that to their own blood?

Relationships meant nothing to anyone here. I felt rejected and unloved. I used to cry often now. There was no outlet. My husband was brainwashed and he felt I was a crazy attention-seeker who needed “medicines”. He once said I was ruining both the families. The feeling and realisation of being unwanted was killing me from inside. I felt even if I die nobody will bother. It won't alter their life. I had no space in their already close-knit comfortable life. I didn’t even know where I belonged. I was suffering from identity crisis. I didn't need treatment… I needed a place to call my own. I needed someone to listen to me and understand me.

And then just like that I decided to take “treatment”… except that no one was trying to “cure” me. As I started taking counselling sessions here, I finally got confidence that I wasn’t wrong in rebelling against everything I was ever taught. I am becoming more assertive and thats the only reason why I am in therapy.

Being married at the age of 18 and being tolled around like a toy makes you be everything else but assertive...

Right now I’m playing a waiting game to see what steps to take next… and every day I get a little stronger. I will find a place I can call my own. Perhaps I already have. 

Tags: #Depression #