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I call in sick every other day at my new JOB! I am trapped

21 Apr 2017

I am a 24 year old man. I am a graduate from a leading engineering institution and I have been vying for this job for a long time. Only top 1% of people can get in the job. So when I cleared all interviews, I felt on top of this world!

My first day at work and I was so excited to be there. Initially everything went well. There were parties, orientation trainings and everything! It was no less than a warm family like environment.

 But even with this, as I went closer into the office culture, it was very competitive, very cut throat. Everyone since was a top performer, they were expected to do better than the others and yet better.

The silent culture of shark competition was scaring me. I hadn’t even started on any project yet but things around were already clear.

The colleagues, seniors during the lunch hours only spoke about acing. It was all about performance and I’ll be honest, I got anxious and started fearing what if I am unable to perform in my project. What if I am an utter failure? What if things are really tough on the go?

These thoughts started buzzing my head and draining my confidence.

I wasn’t even given any project so somehow I started feeling inferiority complex. I started feeling that may be I am coming across as incapable and that is why I have not been given any project.

The negative and anxious thoughts now worked like a loop. One thought reinforced the other and I was feeling stranded.

I went to my HR and asked her when will I get a project and why is there this delay? She said your wait is over. You get your first project tomorrow!

Surprisingly what should have excited me since I was waiting for it, actually ended up making me feel really anxious. I was now nervous. I was so nervous. I wanted someone to coach me but the culture in the organisation was of self-learning and growth. Everyone else appeared so confident and at it that I felt flustered.

On my new project day, I was handed an assignment the very first day. And I was hardly briefed for it! I was choking internally. The numbers in the excel sheet looked like they were dancing. I felt looking at them as I knew nothing. Also my strength was never data crunching. It was always in planning customer journeys. But I was nervous as the culture was that you could do anything you were assigned, I could not say and ask for something else.

I was drowning and hence I asked for a sick leave. I thought that will be an opportunity to let go of the fear and study a bit on the project at hand and get better at my job.

But for the first time in my life, that didn’t help too. I kept feeling sleepy and tired. I passed hours and days and my leave period was over. I was again back to the office again flustered. I am getting choked here. I have called in sick in the last 15 days at least 4 times.

I don’t how to avoid this... I don’t know what to do!

Is this Panic, anxiety? Tell me what is it that I need to do!

Should I leave the job or should I go to the HR? Should I get therapy? What should I do...?

I am really anxious!





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Tags: #Job #Trap #Anxious