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Mummy is doing DRAMA.

19 Apr 2017

 

I am a married woman and have a son who is 5 years old. I also have a condition called Dysthymia. Dysthymia is a continuous long-term (chronic) form of depression.

So I am usually gloomy, low on energy and irritable. I have an erratic sleep cycle and I don’t know what it is to not feel empty. The emptiness and sadness remains with me. The treatment and therapy helps a lot but then one has to be regular for it. This regularity has sadly been not there ever since my child was born.

I got married 7 years ago and I was very transparent about my condition and issue to my spouse, Ravish. He said he loved me the way I am and is going to take care of me and help me.

Things were fine at the start. Even I was very regular in my medication and therapy and hence my symptoms were not visible. However pregnancy changed everything. Pregnancy is a usually tough time and 40% of women in this phase and after delivery, experience mood disorders. How was I going to be saved.  I already had chronic depression.

Post delivery, things went really bad for me. I would cry and run from one room to the other at times in panic. I would be hopeless, feel empty, even I had persistent thoughts of killing myself.

I understand that it is a draining experience to be living with a spouse who is not feeling happy. My husband ofcourse had to deal with my issues. But his striking indifference and almost hatred towards me shook me from inside.  It made me only hate myself more.

He would leave me crying, eat without me, go to dinners without me. It was all a burden on him.

My son was growing up with this. 2 years ago, I was feeling so lonely that I cried two days... I was so weak in my knees. My son was watching this all. But he did not know what to do. He asked my husband, why mamma crying? To this my husband said, she is a drama.  “Ye natak karti hai”.... Every now and then he would repeat the same things about me in front of my son.

I was living a hard life. I had stopped working... And I had no money to pay for my therapy bills or psychiatric fees. I was getting more unwell with the time passing.

3 months ago, my mind gave up. I don’t know why but I just felt to end it all. I was so much in pain and empty that I wanted everything to end so that I can live in peace.

I just couldn’t take it more. I slashed my wrist.... And fell on floor. I was slowly fainting into silence. My son looked at me and rushed to call his dad. As I could faintly hear he said “Papa jaldi aao, mummy fir drama kar rahi hai”.

Listening to this my pain of the physical hurt went away and what remained was the hurt of the mind. I slowly fainted and slipped to unconsciousness.

I was taken to hospital and fortunately I was saved. When I woke up, I somehow was a new person. I knew two things, this man was not the one I had to live with any more and my son shouldn’t deserve a life like the one I have given him.

I decided to take divorce and take custody of my kid. I decided to get myself treated and live for happiness. The journey was tough. But I decided to end my ordeal.

Getting my child back was my priority. My husband made it difficult for me, but I survived.

Today I live with my child. I am in therapy. My parents are helping me.

I haven’t changed my life completely. But one thing has changed; my child doesn’t say I am a drama any more. Instead he says “I love you mummy”..... 

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Tags: #ChildPsychology #Dysthymia