But this all changed until I heard a conversation between my husband and his friend.
His friend had visited us and I was making pakodas for them in the kitchen. I came to pick something from the dining hall and then I somehow stopped to listen what was being discussed as his friend mentioned my name with the suffix bhabhi.
His friend was asking how my husband had kept me away from work and so happy and how "I dance on his tunes".
To which my husband said, I too was uncontrollable and that I had these dreams of writing. But then he silenced me with going down in bed and dumping the first baby and then the second.... To which he laughed and said but "Bhai, it has been 8 years since your last child". To which my husband said, Ya but she (I) craves for sex and the only way he gives it to me is keeping me in my "position". He further added, I silenced her dreams in bed.
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Both of them had a crazy nasty laugh and I felt like something crashed.
I was ashamed that my husband could talk about me in such a low manner to his friend. Even if this was meant to be a joke, it was a humiliating and disgusting one!
Also it made me really unsure of what my husband thinks of my sacrifices as a woman, my dedication to my kids and my family. He equated all my love and effort to his performance in bed and to his controlling powers over me sexually?
How could the man I live with be so perverse. To many it may just be a sentence, but to me it drowned me in hopelessness. I went into a guilt trip. After all then why did I do what I was doing. I could have had a successful career like my sister. I could have been married to an NRI. I could have been this and that but I chose to build a family... The proud decision that I took of being a homemaker, a mother was reduced to someone' sexual prowess?
Everytime I think of that conversation, I start thinking what does his friend think of me? Does he always talk to everyone like this about me?
Would I have been valued more had I been independent ?
I am an M.A. in english literature and I write well. I could have done so much with my life.
From that day on, I started hating every aspect of my life. Every task appeared an ordeal to me. I was shook from the core. Those nasty talks covered all the positive vibes, the scent of a mother's pure love, the chants of goddess durga that I was spreading all along...
I was so disturbed that I even started contemplating killing myself as some option....But then I saw the faces of my two innocent angels... I knew I couldn't do this. I have started my therapy here at EPsyClinic. I am writing to let the pain find some ears....
It took him a moment to bring my entire worth down....just a moment
Do you think I am overexaggerating ? Let me know whats your thought on this....