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I CRY to get NOTICED!

18 Oct 2017

I am a 30 year old writer and a wife. I have been working for 10 years and have been married for 6 months now. I was never a person who used to cry. I was considered bindaas by all my friends and family just like all Mumbaikars are.

But marriage changed this completely. I married my boyfriend of 1 year. I fell in love with his witty writing and his ability to imagine and write great stories.

Ours was a simple wedding with only friends and family and we quickly got into our lives.

 

Arjun never paid any attention to me. I was surprised but he was in my presence too living a bachelor’s life and forcing me to live one too.

I was in pain the other day and the only thing was that I wasn’t crying. So I told him about it and he said why you don’t lie down and you will feel ok! Saying that he just went out of the room. He left me in pain, I was gasping for water.... I was so weak but that did not affect him.

I was very upset with this. He did not ask me a cup of coffee or that if I needed something. He just ignored this thing completely.

Soon I realise this wasn’t just a standalone thing. He never cared for anything.

Don’t get me wrong. I am a strong and independent woman who is ready to take care of herself.

But then why does one get married? Is it not for sharing the pains, sharing the love and sharing the load?

 

I started feeling really sad and left out. One day I was so frustrated that I started crying. He saw this and came to me.

He asked me what had happened and he got me water.  I felt for the first time in 2 months of our marriage that he cared for me.

 For an assessment and for therapy for yourself or your loved one, download android IWIll app:

 

 https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.epsyclinic.iwill

I hugged him and told him that I was feeling down and that I would want that we both take care of each other. He laughed and said surely he will take care of me from thereon.

I felt so relieved that finally I will get to experience a marriage relationship like that of my parents where care and love was the imminent bond.

But no, I was wrong; Things went back to where they were.

I was again a furniture in the house that had no value for him. He just said Hi, good morning, lets have dinner, did you pay the bills type of conversations!

My mom fell sick and I called him from work. He said why you don’t take a taxi and go. He was so cold that it was almost repulsive.

That made me cry and when he heard that he suddenly shook out of his comfort zone and that he was coming along with me.

I found it really weird and I feel guilty about this but soon my mind tricked me and adopted the crying mechanism to get heard.

And before I realised, I got into the  trap of feeling pity, feeling out of control all the time…. It helped me get his attention and unconsciously it became a pattern for me.

But this whole crying and howling has drained me and now it is out of control. I am irritable and further debilitated of this pain… His attention towards me has anyways diminished but my positive attitude has gone down the drain.

 

I just want to discuss why cant we be sensitive to the needs of our loved ones. I was sensitive to his needs. In the first month itself, he got unwell. I took his good care and made sure he has all the things he needs. Why couldn’t be the same from his side?

I am going to stop this way of life that I have somehow adopted. I will overcome and stop my crying spells. I have lost my self in the process. I need the Mumbaikar Arva back. And it is therefore I am starting IWill therapy. I am also diagnosed by the app as moderately depressed. No wonder I feel so worthless.

But to reiterate... I did not cry for attention. I cry in pain, I cry to get heard, to be noticed that I am there... And its a relationship where I need some care... 

 

If you feel hopeless, if you feel that everything that happened with you was unfair and that led you to depressive feelings then it very well could be depression. For an assessment and for therapy for yourself or your loved one, download android IWIll app:

 https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.epsyclinic.iwill

Or press chat with a therapist at http://epsyclinic.com/

 


Tags: #CryingSpells