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My Therapist stood by me when there was No One

07 Apr 2017

I broke up with my boyfriend. As a rebound I tried to hook up with a few guys shortly after but that did not make me feel any good.

My boss was a creep, tried to harass me one way or the other and I quit my job. I had nothing to do and savings were not good enough to sustain for a long time.

My mother kept on nagging about my age and not getting married round the clock. She even invented fictitious children of mine and elaborated how difficult it would be for me to handle them now that am getting ‘old’.

 

All this should give you a clear idea that I was not being in the right headspace or in the right environment for that matter, and I was depressed. I didn’t need a clinical diagnosis for that, I knew how I felt. And it made me low and feel negative about myself, but mostly it made me feel generously angry. I was the victim here, I mean, how can the world do things like to me? What did I ever for life to bite me back so severely? And then there were friends, who were supportive and all that, but had successful and well earning lives of their own. Oh, how I hated it. Why was my happy life taken away from me?

 

Going out these days meant one of my friends would cover my tab; and that is okay, like it happens within friends, but somehow it made me feel belittled. Also they would make snide remarks about the mishaps of my life, and when I tried to talk about them, they’d put up this bored expression that’d automatically shut me off. I felt like a burden, also someone who could not even pay for her own liquor, really, what a loser! After that I would get angry. I am not the loser here; I was defeated by unfair means in life. My boyfriend cheated on me, not my fault. My boss is a weirdo, again not my fault. Then why do I have to pay for it? A couple of my friends told me that the best rebound for a cheating issue is to hook up as quickly as possible, that soothes the hurt ego. I felt so too initially, but then the drunken hook ups led to nothing but mindless one night stands and it bruised my ego all the more, I felt like a tissue to be used and trashed.

 

One of my friends however advised me to talk to a counselor regarding what I was going through. I promptly scoffed at the idea. As if that was the only thing I needed, to be labeled as ‘crazy’; but he was adamant. He introduced me to his cousin a couple of days later, who also happened to be a psychologist. May be I did not want to hurt my friend or maybe I wanted someone to listen to me and see how I was wronged, I made an appointment and visited this guy in his chamber. I lounged on the plush sofa and poured my heart out, and he listened patiently. He agreed that I have been wronged, but seemed confused about my choice to stick to the ‘victim role’. Now what the hell was that?

 

Victim role is the choice to victimize the self as a coping strategy, he explained. He felt I allowed myself to be abused to some extent and also did not take up a stand for myself when things that I don’t like happen to me. He asked me what I wanted to do in life, and asked I thought I could execute my plans. I fumbled a lot. There were a lot of ‘parents want’ and ‘friends say’, but nothing really conclusive. He smiled and said that he was there to help. In the following sessions we worked on understanding what I wanted from life, and how do I become assertive instead of aggressive. I supported my decisions about myself, and I found myself comfortable in his presence for he never judged me. I understood I allowed myself to be trashed after break up, and felt ashamed of it, but he simply asked to accept it as a mistake, learn the lesson, and let go. ‘Let go’ is probably the biggest mantra he gave me. I need not orient myself around others expectations or actions; it is okay to be me.

 

Without a single rebound, I got over my breakup, coz he showed me I need not prove anything to my ex boyfriend. He left me, it was his action. Do I like it? No. do I need to like it? No. but can I control it? Again a No. thus, I had no option but to accept it, but there is no point in getting stuck over there. I was free to move on. When my parents held the break up as a mark of my ‘not being a marriage material’, my therapist saw it as just an experience of my life, something that I don’t like or want to repeat. When I friends got bored of my talks, he always seemed to be highly interested in what I have to say. May be it was his job, but I found his gesture genuine and I liked it a lot. It made me feel good about myself; it made me feel worth something.

 

Soon, I got my confidence back. I started looking for new jobs and got one. It was not as highly paying as the last one, but still, it gave the boost I needed to feel good enough. I could let go of my mother’s taunts easily now, thinking that they are her opinions and not my guidelines. I no longer felt shy to look in my friends’ eyes or be with them. Finally, I was being me after all.

 

We ended the sessions after a few months. He said he just did his job; but for me, he lended he strength when I needed it the most. He stood by me when all had forsaken me, and helped me out in the maze of life. He made me strong enough to lean on now, also to hold my ground. I can say I am grateful to him, but to be frank, I am just happy that my depression caused me to come across him.

 

Thank you, Dr 

 

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Tags: depression hopelessness helplessness sadness counseling assertiveness well being