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I Fell In Love With My Female Colleague… And I’m A Married Woman

04 Apr 2017

I shifted to Delhi after my marriage to Sharad. After a month of honeymooning and settling in I started applying for new jobs and got one within a few weeks. I was happy and excited to be back at work. Within a year I was promoted. Sharad and I took a short holiday to celebrate and I was on top of the world. I had it all—a loving husband and the dream job.

When I got back to work I heard there was a new employee on the floor. At lunchtime I walked past her desk to welcome her and felt a bit of a jolt as I met Raiya for the first time. I was a bit flustered and felt my face flush as she smiled up at me. I introduced myself, chatted briefly and went my way. I couldn’t understand what had just happened but I decided to ignore it.

A few days later, Raiya and I were assigned to work on the same project. As we started brainstorming I was taken by how intelligent and insightful she was. I invited her to drinks after work and we had a fabulous time. We told each other our life stories, and laughed harder than we had in months. I felt a warm fuzzy feeling deep inside and attributed it to the alcohol and me making my first close friend in Delhi. Soon we were meeting as much outside of office as we were at work. Shopping, dinner dates, movies—we were always found together. Then one day we were told we had to travel to Goa for a conference together. I was thrilled and hoped we’d sneak in some holiday time as well.

The first bubble of panic rose in my throat when I realized that I was packing things I had taken for my honeymoon. Sexy lingerie, stunning swimsuits and my best outfits. What was going on? I swallowed the panic and went ahead for the holiday anyway.

 In Goa, lazing by the poolside on our day off, I turned to see Raiya and it hit me like a thunderbolt. I had fallen in love with her. I was devastated. Not only was I happily married, I had also always believed myself to be heterosexual, and here I was, in love with a woman. My face crumbled and the tears started rolling as she turned and saw me. She put her arms around me and cradled me, as if intuitively she knew what was happening. I haltingly told her that I was falling in love with her and she said she felt the same way but had refrained because I was married. She didn’t want me to make a hurried decision till I knew what I wanted.

Back in Delhi I decided to go to a  ePsyclinician, knowing this was too much for me to handle alone. She helped me understand that I was bisexual and that there was no age limit to when you could discover that. She advised me to come clear with Sharad. I took her advice and told him what had happened. He was in shock. He had never in his wildest dreams thought something like this would happen to me. I don’t know if the rage was more because I had fallen in love or because it was a woman. I told him I hadn’t acted upon it yet and needed time to decide what to do.

I shifted out of the house and continued my counselling. I came to realize that my heart was with Raiya and if I stayed in my marriage I would be untrue to all three of us. My decision was made. Sharad, though shattered, agreed and we got divorced. Raiya and I are not legally allowed to get married but we have moved in together and are waiting for the day our country allows us to openly embrace our choices.

 

 

 If you feel that you havent been able to make your own choices. If you feel hopeless and sad for most part of the day and if negative thoughts surround you, it may BE DEPRESSION. 

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Tags: relationships, sexuality, same sex relations, well being, happiness