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I am a man and this is what I am going through

03 Apr 2017

Often times, I hear and read stories at ePsyClinic which I love and believe to be true because I have seen many women around me, my wife, my friends, sisters go through what is shared and articulated.

I just felt my pain gets a voice too. I am sure many men will relate  to it.

Its been 3 years I am working in a reputed IT company... I joined this job straight out of my college. It was a job that gave me security, ample opportunity and a good stability that was needed to be able to marry my then girlfriend, Anupriya. 

Her father was happy to see me get the job and he approved of our love. After a simple Hindu wedding, Anupriya and I shifted to Hyderabad

Things were all great. She worked as an HR manager and we were both leading a good life. She got pregnant and I and her happiness knew no bounds. 

But there were some complications in her pregnancy and for the baby; it was her decision to quit the job. 

 

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I was happy and supportive... She was my world and as long as she and baby are happy and safe, what more do I want.

 

But things took a wrong turn at the same time for me at work. I had a new boss at office who is a micromanager and a person with heightened personality issues. He made work environment miserable . He would yell at me, trash my ideas, intimidate me. The whole environment around me was toxic.

I had pressure to continue my job because my wife was at home and pregnant. I started applying at other places but it was a recessionary time in our industry. I wasn’t finding any...

I thought of talking about this to my wife but she needed to be happy...

I used to pull myself really hard; I used to come back home and pretend as though I was very happy... I used to do everything I could to hide my frustration and irritability. But my job life was pathetic. 

On 17th November 2016, it all became impossible to manage. I was giving a marketing presentation which had the attendance of our CEO, my immediate boss as well as my team and assistants.

Suddenly my immediate boss, stood up and said that my presentation had disappointed him and that the person just under me deserved a better job than I did.

It was too much to handle. I felt insulted and I felt the angst. It was too much for me and I just left the room for protecting my own self- respect.

And then I left the office. I came back home and told Anupriya that I wanted to resign from the job.

 

SHE looked surprised and angrily she asked WHY?

I told her that it had become very humiliating for me .

 

She said but how could you... She just started yelling at me. May be she got worried . I DONT BLAME HER but still....she didn’t ask me once, of why would I take such a decision?

 

Next day, I went back and asked sorry from the same person.... He felt happy that he will get another opportunity to humiliate me... From there on, I started feeling very low, upset, irritable almost mechanical....

 

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I used to cry in my car on way back home....I was living a life of humiliation. And at home, my wife had to be taken care of... There was really no place for me...

 

I felt one day on way back home that HOW I wished my car crashed.... And that was it.

This thought made me really worried and I knew I had to do something about it...I had my wife to take care of, our baby to be born. I knew I could not afford losing myself.

I knew about EPsyClinic. I just came online and I booked a session.

I just cried and spoke my heart out in my first session.. I was diagnosed with depression.

I told my wife but surprisingly she lacked any empathy for me... I told my parents and they said I was really not doing nice to my wife and our to be born baby.

Is that what my worth is?  I could do everything for them, even work in an humiliating environment, even take all the shit, come back home and laugh and take care and yet this is my worth?

As a man I don’t deserve your empathy?

I am recovering from depression but this hurt will be there with me for long time.

I am still going to do all it takes to support my family.... Whether they support me or not... But I do question as a man, worth of my emotions today... and of my self!

 

Nishant

 

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Tags: #Depression #NoEmpathy #NoRespect