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I Love My Wife, But I Am No Longer Sexually Attracted To Her

31 Mar 2017


For as long as I can remember I have loved Shirin. We met in high school and were together ever since then. But in the last few years, while my love hadn't lessened, I stopped feeling sexually attracted to her. Initially I would fake the attraction, but soon that became impossible and I started looking for excuses to evade her need for intimacy. I knew that I was letting her down and disappointing her—she even questioned if I was being faithful. I had no intention of hurting her, but I just didn't feel any desire towards her anymore.

Soon enough my behaviour made her feel disconnected from me, and she stopped turning me to fulfil her needs. Sometimes at night I would hear her cry in the bathroom, but when she came to bed she would just turn away and go to sleep. It was as if we were two strangers sharing a house. This disconnect affected all other aspects of our life and we became withdrawn and unhappy. I felt terribly guilty and didn't know how to fix this situation. A friend suggested I talk to a therapist and I agreed, ready to try anything to win my wife back, as well as to rediscover my passion for her.




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The conversation with the therapist was an eye opener. I'd known Shirin for nearly 25 years and assumed there was nothing we could do to get the intimacy back. But she told me simple things I could do to rekindle my attraction. I started trying them out at home. I started listening to Shirin more carefully, giving her a long meaningful hug when we met at the end of a day and touching her more flirtatiously through the day. Initially she eyed me with suspicion, but in a few days we both realized that we were feeling more connected. I told her why I was making these changes and she seemed to warm to the idea. She participated in the next session and she confessed that she too had been feeling distant from me. While we both loved each other deeply, we had lost the connect and sexual chemistry that had brought us together.

Slowly we started following the therapist's advice. We started taking time out to be with each other every day, where we would focus only on each other. Once a week we went for date night where we would only talk about ourselves, no worries about the kids or house or work. We started scheduling time for lovemaking into our lives. At first it was awkward but we soon found our way again. We realized that between careers, children and other obligations we had lost sight of each other and that disconnect had led to the lack of attraction. Once we started reconnecting we found the attraction simmering right under the surface.

We have never lost sight of the advice we got from our therapist and now have a deeper, more loving relationship than before.





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Tags: well being, sexual wellness, relationship, sadness