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I WILL - Defeat Depression

29 Mar 2017

I have to confess in three words: I have depression

Things were not going right with me... Everything that I brought on paper as a journalist was looking crap and meaningless to me. I don’t know what had happened. In fact if I recall, nothing really significant had happened. Nobody broke up with me... I had a fairly loving husband and a good family background but don’t know what had happened that made me so unsure, so less confident of myself.

The only thing I can remember that made me start over thinking was an assignment that was earlier discussed to be given to me and last minute it went to my colleague Archana.

I don’t know what about this incident affected me but I felt like there was something wrong about me... And this thought now started repeating every now and then.

I spoke to my husband about this and he laughed at it.... His words were there are many things that people consider while handing a project. May be they had kept you in mind for the best project yet to come. So don’t worry!

These words didn’t help me. Infact they made me feel sadder because there was a talk in our office that this project that was now Archana’s was one of the best ones to come to our agency in 5 years...  I was engulfed in more pain as the magnitude of my loss suddenly appeared bigger with my husband’s failed attempt at consoling me.

I just started getting trapped in a downward spiral. Now my brain just forced me to find pain in every incident. That day I got to interview one of the bigger politicians in India but then another colleague got 2. I HAD BECOME this person who was consistently finding arguments from my daily life narrative to prove that I was always going to be the second or the third and then my brain use to find rationalisation of this by assuming that I am not good enough....

From here on things escalated very fast, from my thoughts it started swelling up my eyes... My thoughts used to paralyse me, freeze me and make me cry... Now my work and my life was seriously getting impacted.

My boss called me in her office and told me whats wrong Malini? Your articles seem to be so superficial these days... She was referring here to my recent performance and I took her words as a mark of my incompetence that my mind was feeding.

I started crying and said I am quitting the job. My boss was taken aback!

I came back home and cried all night... My husband was concerned and he called in a counsellor at EPsyClinic and connected me to them... I felt relieved opening up to her.... She told me afterf 40 mins of our conversation. I had depression...

These words came as a relief to me... It was a closure. Opening up to my problem was also the starting of bringing it to an end... But I was surprised too...

I didn’t have a bad mother in law, a lay off, a bad marriage... How did  I get into depression?

But the therapist explained that any negative spiral of thoughts can be created and it can happen because n number of factors... There is no hard and fast rule here... Like all other physical health issues, mental health issues can too happen at any time and place...

 

 

I was at peace with myself... I am in therapy and things are getting clearer....

 

The three words :  I have depression relieved me.... I feel calmer that I am good enough. It is just that depression is telling me otherwise...

I AM COMMITTED THAT I WILL SILENCE IT

 

WILL YOU SILENCE IT TOO?

Malini 

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Tags: #Depression #IWILL