I am not perfectionist, rather I had low SELF-ESTEEM
21 Mar 2017
People outside and my friends used to think I am a perfectionist. But I knew I don’t have confidence.
I was studying B.Tech from IIT.
All assignments in my college were late. I used to make up stories of being unwell, of something happening and then used to buy time.... But then it wasn’t that I used this time to do better. I would just sit on my work and do other things rather than finalising my assignments. And then when a few hours were remaining, I used to cry and ask for some more time but then if the professors refused, I used to quickly write it and cry all the time and submit it...
I used to score well later... So everyone who knew me in my friends and home thought I was perfectionist. And that I used to ensure that I score a perfect 10...
But that was really not the case... I was choking with my lack of self confidence within. I graduated from college and got a job.
Now in my job, same patterns repeated. I was insecure, I lacked confidence and my peers were so good. I used to feel more threatened and unsure of my own abilities.
I tried to call in sick and took a leave but this time it was work... Nothing was going to wait for me... I was asked to join a different project when I was back...So when I was back at work, I was handed a new project. I felt miserable, incapable and deep in pain. I was so unsure of how to tackle this situation that my mind tricked me into stage a falling. I cried and said that my leg has been injured and I need immediate help. I called in my family member and left the scene. They took me to hospital and doctor after examining said, it may be a minor sprain and she needs some rest...
But I did not want to go back... So I wrote to my work place that I had a fracture and that I wanted to resign.... I was so ashamed at myself. I was depressed and destitute. I was a failure. There was no reason to feel anymore...
After resigning, I just kept myself on bed and crying... I told my family that there were bullies at my work place. But these were all lies...
I wanted to end the confidence issues, I wanted to end the losing streak.... I came to know about EPsyClinic. I was so glad to find a place where I could first just talk about all the lies I have told and the wrongs I have done and get that off my chest... And I felt so lighter when I did that in our first session here.
But over the course of sessions, my therapist helped me see that my confidence issues come from a deep comparison between me and my brother that used to happen as a child and how I was deeply affected by it... I could look back and find places in my past that had made me this low in confidence person that I am today....
I have joined a job and today I submitted a presentation, ON TIME!
I feel on cloud 9 !
If you have self confidence issues or have called in sick or did things that I just wrote above, you have help here at EPsyClinic. Follow my story and get the pain, the lack of confidence and inaction off your life!
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Tags: #Low-confidence #Sadness #Hope