I Feel No Sexual Desire For Anyone, And I’m Finally OK With It
14 Mar 2017
I grew up in a big city and as I turned 13 all the boys I hung out with started talking about girls. Girls they thought were beautiful, the ones they had crushes on and the heroines they adored. I joined in for fear of being left out, but felt nothing for any of the girls we discussed. I wondered if there was something wrong with me. One day I came across the word homosexuality. Maybe that was it, maybe I didn't feel anything for women because I was attracted to men. For the next few days, I looked at all my friends, my favourite actors and tried to get myself to feel something, some attraction. Nothing.
As I grew older I dated casually, because that's what you were supposed to do. Women thought I was being respectful by doing nothing more than holding hands. Nothing lasted beyond a few dates though, because they would want more and I couldn't get myself to do anything other than hold hands. The idea of kissing, foreplay or lovemaking was repulsive to me. I started getting more and more worried about why I felt this way. I had hoped to grow out of it by the time I was an adult. I wanted to be 'normal' just like everyone else. Not knowing what else to do, I decided to talk to a counsellor. That conversation changed my life.
The counsellor told me that there were more sexual orientations than just the ones we usually hear about, like heterosexuality and homosexuality. She said that I am probably asexual. Some people are born with an asexual sexual orientation and some may become asexual later in life. Which means that they either do not feel sexually attracted to men or women, or if they do feel some attraction, they feel no need to act upon it. In fact she told me there's considerable diversity in the asexual community. There are no rigid definitions and asexuals experience a range of emotions, attraction and needs.
Suddenly I understood myself better. It was as if I'd been struggling to find something in a dark room and someone had just flicked the light on. I was asexual. That explained my lack of sexual attraction towards women or men. Sure, I would have liked a long-term relationship, I wanted companionship as much as anyone else. But now I knew I would either have to find someone like me, or be honest and tell anyone I dated that sex could not be part of the package with me. It was liberating for me to finally understand myself and be able to map out my future with that knowledge.
I joined some asexual communities in my city and met more people like me. Finally, I wasn't an abnormality, I fit in. I accepted that I didn't feel sexual desire for men or women and never would, and I was okay with that.
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Tags: sexual wellness, well being, sexual orientation, feeling good