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He Knows All My Intimate Sexual Secrets… But He’s Not My Husband

04 Mar 2017

I’m somebody’s wife, he’s somebody’s husband. We both have one child each. Other than this we know very little about the details of each other’s lives. What we do have intimate knowledge of is what makes the one tick sexually… he knows my deepest, darkest fantasies, and I can turn him on like no one else can. We take each other to the heights of passion. We’ve known each other for almost a year.

Oh, and by the way, we’ve never even touched each other.

After I put my child to bed and my husband is snoring gently, I log on. It doesn’t matter that I’m wearing a faded old nightie or that I have coconut oil in my hair. For those 20 stolen minutes I am the most seductive woman in the world.

Yes, there are times I feel guilty, sometimes ashamed. But then I tell myself it’s just words. Words don’t matter do they? Am I not entitled to have some fun? As a homemaker most of my day is spent in pleasing other people… can I not have a thrilling little secret to keep me looking forward to life?

***

I never expected to feel this hurt.

He hasn’t logged in for the past week. He hasn’t replied to my messages. I have no other way of contacting him. I don’t think I even know his real name.

I didn’t realise how much I had started needing my secret night-time chats. I can see now that he was filling a need that is much greater than illicit sexual thrills. I feel like a heartbroken teenager.

My husband has noticed the change in my mood. He asked me if anything was bothering me. What could I say? I feel like confessing everything, but what if he hates me for it? My desire for my “lover” is stronger than ever, but so is my feeling of guilt that what I was having was not just “harmless fun.” I try to carry on as normal for my son’s sake but I find myself feeling irritable and ready to weep at the slightest opportunity…

 

***

I cannot bear it any longer.

I can see the “seen” messages on all my messages to him. No response. I even did something I have never done before and sent him a picture of my nude body to tempt him back. It was my big gamble… surely it couldn’t fail. But it did. No response from him. I feel humiliated, rejected, embarrassed. I feel as if I have lost my dignity.

Like I said, I cannot bear to keep it all inside any longer.

I know my husband is worried. He shifts closer to me and puts his arm around me, and it’s like a dam breaks inside me.

“I need to tell you something,” I start. “Do you promise you won’t hate me?”

 

***

He says he doesn’t hate me, but I can see he’s hurt. He’s asked me “Why?” so many times and I can’t really answer. It’s been a week and I’ve been trying to avoid him as much as possible. I don’t want him to see in my eyes that I still miss my lover.

He taps me on my shoulder while I’m pretending to sleep at night. “We need to talk.”

My heart sinks, but I know I can’t avoid it.

He asks the same question, “Why?”

I try to answer: “I don’t know, it was just the excitement I suppose.You understand right? I mean I know you watch porn!”

He shakes his head. “Porn isn’t the same thing. I’m not a fool…I can see you have feelings for this person. Have I let you down in some way that you needed him?”

I’ve never thought about this. It would be so easy to blame his shortcomings for my cheating, but it wouldn’t be fair. I say, “I think he filled something I felt was missing within me, I don’t know what. I want to feel better. I want to get over this… I know I’m chasing an illusion.”

We sit together in silence for a while. He says, “Do you think we could try marriage counselling? I think this is a problem we both need to work on.”

“Let’s call them tomorrow,” I say, and he squeezes my hand.

That night, I don’t dream of my lover. 

Anonymous

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