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Ajay you pulled me out of the darkness...

01 Mar 2017

 

 

I am a 25 year old software engineer now working in a multinational. But 1 year ago I was a suicide survivor who got lucky and saved many times from the repeated suicidal attempts I made…

My suicidal tendencies have their history in my painful childhood.

I faced abuse as a child… I was abused for 7 long years by my own uncle (my father’s elder brother)… Initially I was too young to understand what was happening and then when I started realising it was all wrong, he made me too afraid…

Because of facing so much pain, abuse, hurt and scare as a child, I had developed deep seated psychological issues. Common themes of my way of thinking were “World is bad”, “I will be helpless”, “I am a burden” and “I am useless”….

My school life was tough… I never opened up to my parents until recently… Back then I was lonely, confused, chaotic and like a dead soul in a living body!!

I was still an above average student and made it to a good engineering college… But In my college, I was again ragged and that just pushed me to a cycle of committing suicides… I used to plan and attempt my own suicides. I failed 5 times and the college had to force a study break on me.. I was put to a suicide care centre for 6 months. The time there helped me get past these really over the top tendencies but still the psychological hurt and pain was there, simmering as a back burner.

Once I came out of it, I was worried that I had not completed my college degree. I went back to my college… My old classmate Ajay who was now my senior started interacting again with me…. I guess somehow  he felt some connection with me…. May be empathised with me and my pain… Whatever be the reason, he started lending me notes, helping me post college and coming to my home every now and then to guide me

Once he was there at my house. I don’t know what crossed his mind but he asked if I wanted to go out on a coffee date with him… Initially the idea was very repulsive to me…. With a history of abuse, spending time alone with a man is not the most comfortable idea one can have…

Sensing my discomfort, he said that he could make coffee for me at my home itself… This seemed a better option and I agreed. Slowly we started sharing our thoughts, our issues and I was falling for him and so was he…

But I thought he deserved to know my past…. I reluctantly one day told him all that I had faced over the years… He was taken aback first … But then in 5 mins, he reached out to me and asked if he could hug me… After I had given him the permission, he held me and said that it was the end of my suffering and that he is going to protect me, be the man for me…. I was so touched… I couldn’t believe him but he stood true to his words…

He convinced me first to be prepared to fully heal myself psychologically. He introduced me to a therapist here at ePsyClinic. She first assessed me for any active suicidal ideation and once she found I was no longer suicidal, she started my sessions and slowly over the course of  6 months of rigorous talk therapy on call, she helped me get past the hurt, the feelings of guilt, the negative thought patterns and helped me forgive my parents and forget the bastard…

Ajay besides getting me help also made sure that I was achieving in other areas of life. He helped me complete my studies… He stood as a rock with me…

And then  last November we  got married… He hasn’t yet touched me… I am so proud of his love for him… I am ready to be with him physically too now…

His presence could change things for me completely….

I am so glad I found him.. I am so glad I am not suicidal any more… I am so glad I am not abused and hurt and treated like a trash of meat anymore…

I am so glad for you Ajay. I hope everyone who has been in my position finds someone as Ajay in their life… If I could get past the worst with love, everyone can…

 

Anonymous

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Tags: #SuicideSurvivor #ChildSexualAbuse #SaathChalo #ePsyClinic #Depression