I kept letting my anxiety defeat me until it made me lose MY JOB!
13 Feb 2017
I was always an anxious person… As far as I remember in my school days too, few days before my exams, my whole mind used to become numb… My hands used to shake in fear… Though I was a reasonably intelligent student but that didn’t help… Around exams, I used to just be stuck by fear. In those days, people did not even know that students may develop anxiety. So my parents gave me the hope of faith. My mother told me to pray to god whenever I feel this anxious and that would make me feel better.
And fortunately it worked for me. Over the years, whenever I got this discomforting anxiety, I used to pray to god and ask the divine to help me. Though it did not stop my anxiety feelings but at least it helped me sail through and give my exams and achieve high marks nevertheless.
Fast-forward to my college life, this anxiety only increased in me. Now it forced me to develop avoidant behaviour. I started calling in sick for tests, for practical whenever I felt that I am not prepared enough.
Everyone but for me realised that I was avoiding. That my behaviour wasn’t normal. But I just kept going the same way. I was a high scorer so my professors too were lenient towards me and they genuinely thought I had some health issues.
Little did they know that I wasn’t really unwell, I was just suffering from anxiety. A part of me was tired, was choked. I mean who wants to live in this fear? Who wants to be recognised as unwell? Who wants to be branded as a late person? And then the discomfort was overwhelming as well.
But there was really no respite and counselling and therapy were not the option I knew existed.
Somehow I managed to clear my exams with high distinction. I was really happy at the outside but inside the guilt was strong.
Then came the days of interviews for jobs. Since I was a high performer, I got selected for first round of interviews by some of the best organisations.
My anxiety impacted me there too. I made all sorts of excuses and kept delaying the interview dates. I missed out on two companies and that’s when my father told me that I can’t delay any more, that I had to go and face the interview.
As a nervous wreck, I went in and had my interview done. I was instantly selected. My happiness knew no bounds. My whole family was elated…
And then I joined work. Initial few days were so great for me. They were relaxed, partying with new colleagues, getting to know etc. I loved it. I was ecstatic. But then came the time to actually start working and performing under strict deadlines. At work place, deadlines used to be at best the same day. I was flustered. I was choked. I couldn’t perform because of my anxiety and I repeated my pattern. I called in sick again! And then again! And yet again!
My company loved me but they were not sure what was happening. I was just not performing. I was just not there. Finally they took a tough call and requested me to leave the company for now and join in later at some point.
I was devastated. I was now depressed. I felt incapable. I knew I had to stop this trend of losing to my fear. I checked online about my symptoms and found a forum where there were many like me and they named it as “PAD”, Performance Anxiety Disorder.
I checked more on it and could relate to it. This was me!
Once I knew, I searched for help online and found ePsyClinic. I booked sessions instantly and just started my treatment here. My therapist took me to all my painful events and found common themes in my fear and helped me work on these themes slowly and steadily.
I am now managing my anxiety. I have just applied for a new job. I am not going to call in sick this time and not going to call it quits, I will not be fired for non-performance this time.
If you could relate to my story, I would urge you to seek help. ePsyClinic.com is a very good platform and you will be well taken care of…
Anxiety will not go away on its own! No matter how hard we try.
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Tags: #Anxiety #Freedom