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I pulled the plug on competition with my mother in law

12 Feb 2017

 

If you could relate to the experiences and life story of Shalini and you find yourself choked and tired, then ePsyClinic is the place to be... Just Click The Green Chat Box on Bottom Left Of This Page And Type Your Message To Instantly Connected With A Psychologist And Discuss The Process of Online Therapy At ePsyClinic !

 

I had been dating Ajay since spring of 2016. At first when we started, it was like a regular “Time-Pass” affair. We liked each other’s company and liked to be together. Things about marriage or a committed relationship were not the focus.

But as time passed, we grew close to each other... Finally one day he proposed to me and I don’t know what went in my mind, I just blurted yes... I did not even think twice.

 

But that was the day of our relationship downfall if I may say so... As soon as we spoke about the intention to get married, I experienced a subtle difference in my  to-be mother in law’s behaviour. Nothing that was spoken by her... She did not express it openly but I just sensed changes. Like, she would usually avoid an eye contact with me and be closed in our conversations or would talk to Ajay more and avoid me.

Suddenly Ajay’s time for meeting me also decreased. Every now and then, he used to call up and say that he is taking his mom out, they are going shopping, his sister needs him and mom has asked him to go... One thing or the other but the time for me was taken up.

Naturally I would feel bad about it.  And you know how our brains are... When you see some change in a situation and there is missing information, your thoughts try to make sense of it... Connecting the dots of his mom’s changed behaviour towards me, his missing action citing need to be at the call of his family duties all of a sudden made me believe that his mother is doing this on purpose... She is doing this to either bring distance in Ajay and me or she is doing this to display her supremacy in this three cornered contest of sorts...

This conclusion that my mind brought to me made me so upset... Now I would judge all the new situations with the same thought pattern. So every time he would even casually refer that he has to go see his mom, I would react... Sometimes I cried in front of him. At other times I used to say that he doesn’t get me or love me...

He was getting shocked too. I wasn’t after all communicating what was going on in my head...

How it impacted me negatively was that all the time I was over-imagining and over-thinking... I imagined the worst...I imagined Ajay to be the kind of husband who only speaks with his wife in private settings... I imagined that things would be really tough for me post marriage... These imaginations debilitated me and I was getting stressed over something that was not even happening in that moment.

I started a competition of my own... I would make excuses, sometimes of my health, sometimes of being sad, sometimes of romance, sometimes of even harming myself and used to call Ajay as frequently as possible... I was in that crazy attention seeking mode... It was driving me tired...

He loved me so he kept meeting my demands... But then his mom and sister too were may be getting worried and they started to pull him too... So this tug of war like situation made me so helpless.

Love was long gone and now Ajay was a territory that either of us had to conquer... And my thoughts made it worse. It looked like a battle and looked like a place where I was losing myself in the process.

I met my friend for a coffee and we had a conversation and for about 90 mins, I just kept talking about Ajay and his mother and the fact  that he is avoiding me or that his mother is the worst person ever... After listening to me for all this while, she stopped me and asked... Where are you in this conversation Shalini? Where are the talks of your masti, your career, your make up, your dreams and aspirations... Where are you here?

Those words shook me... It was like a wakeup call....Where was I... Ajay was already going to get married to me.... I would take things as they come... Why was I stressing over it now and making my own life disappear in the process.

But as they say, it is easier said than done... The thoughts and the pattern of competition, of being lost out, of being a victim, of being ill-treated had so much crept in, that an escape from the spiral seemed impossible!

I read an article from ePsyClinic and thought of contacting this place.... I had sessions with Dr.Nayamat here... She slowly helped me gain control of my own thoughts, of not trying to read between the lines, of not reacting or even paying attention to things that may be present but are not doing me any good.

It was a process, it wasn’t easy.... But after 8 sessions, what I can say is that I feel at peace with myself... I and Ajay communicate openly... I don’t try to make meaning of unspoken words and gestures. I don’t even pay much attention to the spoken words... The focus is my happiness... And fortunately, as I have pulled out of this competition, even for his mother, he is not a trophy anymore...

If you too are victimising yourself and letting your perceptions, emotions, thoughts guide you to hell, then STOP!

Its not worth it... Try and get therapy and come out of this debilitating, negative,choking downward spiral!

And find your happy space!

 

Shalini

If you could relate to the experiences and life story of Shalini and you find yourself choked and tired, then ePsyClinic is the place to be... Just Click The Green Chat Box on Bottom Left Of This Page And Type Your Message To Instantly Connected With A Psychologist And Discuss The Process of Online Therapy At ePsyClinic !


Tags: #Mother-In-Law