Premarital Counselling Helped Me To Start My Marriage Happily
12 Feb 2017
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Most people perhaps aren’t as nervous about getting married as I was. But there was a reason for my fear: I’d been hurt before.
I am 32 years old, an architect, and I belong to a middle-class Rajput family. My parents were keen that I find a life partner as they feared that I’d end up living a life of loneliness. In my heart too I knew that I’d be happier if I could start a family of my own.
But here’s the catch: I’d been married before and it was a total disaster even though it had lasted only a year, with us living together for a mere 22 days. The memories and pain of that short period of my life were still vivid in my mind. Yes, there was no guarantee that a second marriage would fail, but there was no guarantee it would work either. I did not want to go through more heartache but I also knew I could not live in a state of indecision forever either.
During the summer of 2010, my parents go to know of a boy who, like me, had had a failed first marriage. His reference came from a very close and reliable source. They insisted that I go and see him at least once. Reluctantly I agreed. Karan was an investment banker and lived in Australia. He was 36 years old and his first marriage had lasted for 2.5 years. When I met him, I realised that he had all the qualities I wanted in a man—he was mature, independent, intelligent and quite decent looking too. He seemed to like me too. But as we talked it was clear that we both shared a fear of getting married again, and if anything he was more nervous than I was.
We met a few times, but Karan could not commit to me. It was time for him to fly back. We decided to stay in touch. For 6 months we did so. I was being patient, despite being sure that I was ready to marry him. I didn’t want to push him. Parental pressure made Karan to reluctantly agree to marriage.
I began to realise that Karan was angry more often than usual after our marriage was fixed. He was not participative and avoided me. I asked him several times what was wrong with him but he didn’t open up. One day, I read about premarital counselling. I knew what we needed.
Karan agreed to it readily. We started the premarital counselling process to assess if we were indeed ready for marriage and if we were, how could be prepare for it mentally? Our sessions were extremely useful not only in getting us to communicate openly but to resolve areas of conflict even before the conflict happened.
It helped us in several ways:
It helped us to get over our previously failed marriage.
We gained confidence that marriage can work for us.
We grew to understand ourselves before we began the process of understanding each other.
I had always lived in a family set up, while Karan had lived most of the last 16 years on his own. We both had a strong personality. Our therapist helped us to understand and be sensitive to each others individuality.
We learned how to understand and respond to each other’s expectations.
We identified and discussed potential areas of conflict that were likely to grow into concerns and conflicts. We developed strategies to deal with them.
We learnt how to communicate better, how to respond and react better.
More than all this, we gained confidence that we can live a life together.
There was higher chance of our 2nd marriage succeeding then failing.
Today, Karan and I are married for 2yrs. We are happy and content.
I think all couples should go through premarital counselling, before sailing in the boat of marriage. It helps not only previously divorced couples, but any and every couple.
If people could communicate about practical matters and differences BEFORE they got married, there would be less of a shock to the system after marriage.
Both partners would be better prepared for challenges and adjustment issues would not be so difficult.
I will highly recommend ePsyClinic as a marital counseling clinic. To begin your counseling journey here, just click at the green chat box on bottom left and Type your message. A psychologist will start chatting with you and guide you through the entire process.
If you need to ask any questions about the process, I can give you the user perspective.
Please mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org.