Divorce: it's just a break, not the end of the road
27 Nov 2016
It was quite after sometime that I met with my friend Kriya.
She had been classmate at school, and last I heard she was married and living with her husband in Bangalore.
When I inquired about him, Kriya casually remarked that she’s divorced now. My shock must have shown when I asked, ‘Why did he leave you?’ ‘He didn’t,’ Kriya replied, ‘I did. What made you presume that he would leave me? I can’t do the same?’ I could not reply.
‘I could not take it any longer. I was not to do a job, talk to anyone, visit my parents, wear western clothes, go out with friends --- I even had to ask for my personal purchases. Sorry, not done.’
‘But what would you do now?’ I asked.
‘Got my old job back,’ she said, ‘seeing someone else as well,’ she added with a wink of her eye.
‘Already? Isn’t it too early?’
She gave an exasperated sigh, ‘How long do you think I should have waited? And even why?’
The conversation hit hard on a lot of dogmas and presumptions. Really, when we hear the term ‘divorce’, we automatically presume that it is the girl’s fault; we raise our eyebrows when we see a divorcee woman remarrying. We expect them to put a pause on their life, may be remain single for the rest of their lives. But a man in a similar situation is never questioned, rather ‘urged’ to settle down with a ‘better’ prospect.
And it is not only about marriage or relationships, though a woman is blamed if a relationship goes sour. They are to compromise and adjust and make it work anyhow, even at the cost of their Self. But that’s only a part of it. The reality at large is, girls/women are not supposed to have fun. Period. Society has provided us with a lot of gender roles, but fun loving or opinionated are not among them. Rather, there are a lot of don’ts that the women have to live up to.
§ Having a tattoo is cool for a guy, but ‘decent’ girls do not have them.
§ Smoking is a health hazard, but only for the men. For women though, it is mark of a bad character.
§ Having a job is till date considered a secondary option for women, who are expected to take care of the concept ‘family comes first’. The same however is not applicable for men.
And the list goes on. So when thought of it, I found myself repeating my friend’s words, ‘Sorry! Not done.’
Women are as much entitled to live life their way as men. The point of speaking it aloud is not making others understand it, rather making the women aware of the same. Here are some tips for starters:
a. Respect yourself, before expecting others to do it. Stand up for your rights and hold your ground.
b. People might have a lot of opinion; parents, families or partners. Remember you do not need with other people’s opinion, you live with yours. Considering other’s opinion is a good habit, but not so much that it undermines your own.
c. Know yourself. Know your abilities and limitations. Know what you expect of life and how much of it can you fulfill. Don’t live to serve other’s expectations, live to fulfill your own.
d. Do not feel guilty simply because a situation had gone awry or someone blamed you for it. Criticism, as much as it be hurtful, is just someone else’s opinion, ad not your character certificate. Feel free to ignore those which you know are unreasonable or non constructive.
e. You want to do something in life? Cool, make a plan & take action. Do not wait for someone to be with you or do it for you. You are no less than anyone, and your only competition is with yourself. Live with that.
Saying all these, at times the best also suffer as the circumstances are not enough. At those times, feel free to seek professional help. They are people who are trained to analyze situations impartially & with logical finesse. When things are overwhelming, all you need is a little nudge. Go for it.
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Tags: women well being marital issues divorce life