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Expectations of dedication to marriage should be equal

27 Sep 2016

"Expectation that you as my husband should be my everything is fair but then why expecting that I should be the most important person in your life becomes unfair”

“ What goes around,comes around.” That seems fair. But what happens when it doesn’t come around? What do I do? Do I fight for it? Or do I just let it go and accept the fact that life is unfair after all? These are the constant thoughts I struggle with every time I feel I am pushed down to the bottom of my husband’s priority list.

Since my marriage, I have been expected to make my husband the centre of my world, which I did whole heartedly. I disposed of my own active social life, of my aspirations and hobbies, my own family and everything that interfered with dedicating myself to my husband and his family.

I left everything so I can do everything I am expected to do as a wife for my husband, as a daughter in law to his parents and other family member and I take care of every bit of the house and fulfil all responsibilities of the children.

But when I need someone to help me, even to talk to someone, I am all alone. Even my husband who is my everything, is nowhere to be seen because he has not given up anything for me, I feel like am just an extra in his life.

 Sometimes, I need him when I am sick, or hurt or want to speak to someone or just want someone to be there, beside me, knowing that I am not alone. But he is out there, with his friends who he already has plans with or with his family

 I long for one weekend away with him, and the children, just my family for a change without having to worry about what to cook for everyone and attending to every details of the house. But that never happens. My husband doesn’t think twice about cancelling all the plans which means so much to me if one of family member visits or a friend visits.

 But can I do the same? Can I decide to put his family on lesser preference if I have to see a friend or my family? No way!

And I fail to understand this double standard every time. All I want is the acknowledgement, not just in words but in action by reciprocating my love and care, by making me feel that I have a support and I am an important and preferred part of my husband’d life too just as he is for me.

 I read somewhere about this equity theory in relationship which was something like this.

It says that if there is equity in a relationship, that is, if both the partners are equally contributing to a relationship, it will always be a happy relationship. And I know that I am doing part, every bit as expected. But when I expect my husband’s time, love and care, why do I become the selfish one?

Why is it so natural for me to drop all my desires but when I need his attention, I am wronged?

I wish to have these answers.. Or rather question these discriminatory norms.

Because, the norms need to be changed. We both need to be on the same page, even our parents. Let me also have the marriage just as one part. If the lines are drawn equally, for our families, friends, ambitions and desires, the world will be a happy place for every marriage.

If you are going through an unhappy phase in marriage, a marriage where you expected something else and what is happening is totally different. If you are not happy, counseling at ePsyClinic is going to help. There is no point in ignoring and letting things get worse. 

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Tags: #couple #equity #love