Marriage issues can affect everything else in life
10 Sep 2016
When Kaya was a little girl, she loved to play with dolls. In her make believe world, she was a super wife and a cool mom. Her grandma always encouraged her to play this game. Even before Kaya knew what marriage is, she knew she had to be these two things --- a super wife and a cool mom.
When Kaya got married, it was like a real time version of her make believe world, or so she thought. She tried her best to be what she thought was a super wife.
She adopted the lifestyle her mother in law had created, in spite of some things not being to her liking, she adjusted to it. She smilingly met with the demands of her younger sister in law, followed father in laws doctrines to the core.
She adored her husband, stood by him unflinchingly when his business went through a rough patch, and took care of him untiringly when he fell critically ill.
She beamed in her office too, hitting promotions before any of her colleagues. She proved her abilities & worth time & again and her superiors were happy and satisfied with her.
But reality was far from her dreams. Since the beginning, her decisions were challenged, her food never got approval. Her husband never shared anything with her as she ‘would not understand’. Her plans were changed at the last moment and she was the last person to be informed of it.
Gradually, she lost motivation to do anything. She skipped meals and nobody would ask for it. In office, she started faltering in decisions that used to come to her naturally; she was afraid to make a presentation, afraid of being ridiculed or criticized. She stopped hanging out with colleagues at lunch, and despaired in loneliness.
Her parents figured something was wrong as her calls lessened and shortened. When they brought her home she looked ill and sounded tired.
She would sit quietly staring in to vacant space. She always seemed distracted, and would not reply to calls at once as before. She cried a lot and apologized profusely to her parents for not being a good daughter. No amount of reassurances could shake her conviction.
We often generalize what we have learned in life, and Kaya had learned that she was not good enough. Generalization means when our learning from one aspect of life influences another aspect of it. The same had happened with Kaya. Being constantly ignored or criticized wreaked havoc on her confidence and self esteem. She started to question herself, being sure that she was not good enough. Our concept of self image depends a lot on how others perceive us, and her in laws perception of Kaya was detrimental for her self image. What did that do to her? It made her believe that she could not be a good worker in her office, and hence would be criticized. She felt she could not keep her parents happy as her in laws were unhappy with her. Thus, she kept apologizing. Yet she was not actually at fault, and hence, she found no route to betterment.
We at ePsyClinic often come across people who have been emotionally battered. As much as it is hard to get out of it, there is always a way.
I.Change your perception: Don’t take it as a mark against your personality, take it simply as feedback. An opinion someone holds about you. Does not mean it has to be true.
II.Acknowledge receipt: Acknowledgement isn’t the same as agreeing or accepting, though they are mostly confused with one another. Acknowledgement here simply means ‘thank you for your feedback. Will consider it.
III.Cool off: Before you decide to consider the feedback, verbal or non verbal, allow yourself to cool down sufficiently so that you can think about it analytically. Give yourself at least half an hour of other engagement and activities before you ponder on that issue.
IV.Choose to accept or reject: As the receiver of the feedback, you have sole right to accept it or reject it, to determine whether it has any merit to act on. The benefit of cooling down is you can process it objectively for any positivity in the rampant criticism. If there is none, you can simply choose to move on ignoring it.
V.Apologize only if you are at fault: Rampant criticisms might also have some genuine and positive note in that. Consider it, and apologize only if you are at fault here. You should not need to apologize to soothe someone’s ego.
VI. Be assertive: If you are not at fault, don’t be afraid to explain your version of things. Being assertive is necessary here.
If things go beyond your coping abilities and problem solving capabilities, don’t wait to reach out to our psychologists at ePsyClinic.com.
We often ignore things being in the situation, or to save the relationships. As much as it is of value, nothing can be more valuable than your self esteem and well being.
If you are going through an unhappy phase in marriage, a marriage where you expected something else and what is happening is totally different. If you are not happy, counseling at ePsyClinic is going to help. There is no point in ignoring and letting things get worse.
So just click the Chat Now button on left and type "MR" to instantly connect with a guidance psychologist and start couple therapy or know more about the process and charges
We are here to assure your happiness.
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Tags: marital issues, sadness, depression, unsatisfied, unhappy, anxiety