Dealing with Extramarital Affairs --- Raima's Story
28 Aug 2016
Raima was acutely aware of her growing differences with her husband Ajay. After 15 years of marriage, he seemed more distant than ever. What troubled her most was the erraticness of his behavior of late --- the impromptu business tours, hushed conversations at the middle of the night, being too protective about his phone were planting doubts in her mind. Before Raima could discuss her instincts with her husband, her whole world fell apart one day after their son’s 13th birthday. Ajay confessed of having an affair with someone at work.
Her whole life flashed before Raima’s eyes, which were flooded with hot tears. Since that day, she became an empty shell devoid of any life. She faltered over the smallest of day to day decisions as she did not find herself capable anymore. She kept pondering where she went wrong or what was her fault that Ajay left her after this long; she felt she was not good enough. Sometimes she would be angry and shout on her son and her maids, sometimes she would simply lay on her bed all day long and cry.
After a few days, Ajay talked to her about separation. He felt both of them no longer match and all he could feel in the relationship was a deep void. With this woman he felt he had a connection and thus he’d decided to move on. Raima, tried to find out what had gone wrong? What fault on her part made Ajay do it?
Like Raima, many women search for the same answers. Here are some of the common reasons:
1. They find themselves hopelessly attracted to someone outside of the marriage without any apparent reason.
2. Both the partners know the marriage is dead, they feel trapped and unhappy in it. The affair seems to be their shot of happiness, giving them something they otherwise would not have had.
3. Having a distance relationship may create the need for an affair where they might miss being intimate with someone close at hand.
4. Being in touch with an old flame after long years of stale marriage may drive them to rekindle the old affair.
5. Need for physical love might impel someone to do it.
6. Somepeople are just not committed. No matter what you do for them , they will find someone else...
Regardless of the fact that it is a complete surprise or a gradual disclosure, the occurrence of such a thing leads to emotional shock, hurt and grief. It is one thing to have doubts and completely another to be faced with the complete reality of the situation.
Your pain is deep but Here are a few things that you need to know to get past this:
a. Conclusions like ‘I was never good enough’ or ‘he never really cared for the relationship’ are usually exaggerated, leading to despair, anger, blame and guilt. They distort the perception of reality, where some aspects are overly focused while others are neglected.
b. Refrain from taking decisions as an immediate aftermath of the affair. As much as a decision needs to be taken by both spouses, it is important to give time to stabilize oneself and process the thoughts. Only that can aid in fruitful decision making.
c. At some point, the feeling of abandonment and rejection would set in and take a toll on one’s self esteem. Sometimes this inadequacy runs very deep, questioning ones worth as person. In this situation it is useful to think about oneself holistically, beyond this one relationship. It helps to see everything that has happened as an issue between two people rather than indicator of self worth.
d. It is okay to accept the void in the relationship but there is no point in blaming own self or the spouse for the affair. Being fixated on “my mistakes” creates excessive guilt which pulls one down further and reduces that capacity o thinking clearly. Instead of going down the guilt spiral, it is better to assess realistically how things can be handled differently in the future.
e. On the other hand, playing the victim & making the spouse the culprit causes more dysfunctions in thoughts than realization and growth. It is better to see it as a problem to be looked into, which will lead to learning and growth from the past mistakes.
Though these are professional and paid services, but a marriage counselor is required to help you out from the situation. Whether or not you decide to be in the relationship, a counselor can always help you to deal with the situation effectively by setting up realistic goals and providing measures to fulfill them. You can find this help here at www.ePsyClinic.com.
If you have faced this issue then know that it is not at all the end of the world. Life has too many good things in store for you.
You just need to find them.. and we are here for you.
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Extra-marital Affair - It doesn't have to be Physical: Web-xtra Affairs
10 Sep 2015
(The following are some case studies taken from varied resources)
"Varsha and Nipun were always the perfect couple. It was a shock when people came to know they were separating. While this decision had devastated Nipun, Varsha was happier than ever before. No one seemed to have a logical explanation. It's when I suggest Nipun to look into Varsha's social networking account that he found proof of she having a "love-affair" with an unknown "affluent businessman" from a different city. It was after a well-orchestrated police action that revealed "Varsha's online lover" to be an unemployed 25yr man. That man was put behind bars. Varsha took a lot of time to come out. They are still undergoing counselling and trying to building up their relationship"
"Ankit always felt his wife Neelam never gave him the love he desired. The need for true companionship always kept haunting his mind. He met Maria, through a social networking site. Within weeks his behaviour changed. Everyone noticed how the angry and easily irritated man behaved more like a 16yr old in love. All through this he remained an obedient husband to Neelam. Secretly his emotions always resided with Maria. Even while having sex, he would imagine Neelam as Maria.
So what would you say….is this infidelity?? To most people who are involved in such cyber relations, it is not infidelity, for only one reason!! They are not physically involved, they have not seen that person, and it’s all happening in a virtual world. They think they are not cheating on their partner.
While, the ‘real-life’ partner, would beg to differ on this.
The partner believes that infidelity is not just about getting physically involved it’s also about emotional and psychological involvement. It is seen that in relations like these the emotional and psychological attachment is many times greater than in any physical extra-marital affair.
Let’s examine the Online/Webax affair definition:
Online infidelity is a romantic or cyber sexual liaison that is facilitated by social media sites, chat rooms, instant messenger, dating websites or virtual games. Those who participate in online affairs often don’t consider it as cheating on their partner due to the virtual, ‘fantasy’ nature of the interaction.
The dynamics of this relationship is graver for the partner. The ‘real life partner’ finds it almost impossible to compete with the ‘fantasy partner’ because it’s too good to be true. It’s the perfect lover.
Moreover, the partner involved in the affair tend to experience guilt to a far lesser extent than they would in traditional, ‘physical’ transgressions.
Wonder why people get into Extramarital Affair Online!!! What they gain?
· Most people get on net/chats just with mere intention of talking to a stranger. They feel it’s harmless. It gives excitement with very little risk.
· Gradually that excitement becomes addiction. Moreover this addiction is easily accessible. You just need your laptop or cell-phone. You can meet infinite number of people by simply using your gadgets.
· Even though those, who are participating in this virtual fantasy, may not even consider an internet affair as being unfaithful to their partner, an emotional bond is generally formed between the cyber lovers.
· You chat and feel good about each other. Something you have missed in your marriage for a while now.
· You don’t have to take the pains of meeting someone or committing to someone. Yet it gives a lot of feel good factor.
There are lot of reasons why cyber affair is reinforcing. And though you are emotionally involved one fact remains true you are not physically involved, thus you are not cheating….but let me warn you that this is the idea just YOU have. It’s your perception and its biased view.
The pain of discovering that your partner has a cyber-lover can be equally as painful as traditional infidelity.
Often, the fact that these cyber or virtual affairs are carried out in your own home can make the betrayal even harder to bear.
How can one avoid getting into this world of Webxtra Marital affairs?
· The first thing one needs to realise that emotional infidelity is greater than physical infidelity.
· Extra marital affair by itself is a very complex, value-laddened issue. It’s not true that happily married couples are not vulnerable to it. Or sexual boredom is the prime reason behind extra marital affair. The reality is that most people including happily married, sexually functional couples are vulnerable to extra marital affair.
· The key to an preventing extra marital affair is, to first confront denial ("it could never happen to us") and make a clear, positive agreement which recognizes personal and couple vulnerabilities while affirming the value of the couple trust bond, sexual style, and commitment to a satisfying, stable marriage.
· I heard this in my growing up days… “Marriage doesn’t happen between two people, it happens between two families.” This fact complicates marriage more often. To help your marriage sail through it’s very important to be sensitive about the other facets that marriage brings along. Also it’s important to give your spouse a chance to express and help your spouse to work on his/her surroundings.
· Identify what you risk losing by cheating. Prepare your cheating invoice.
· Avoid Temptation and invest your time in your spouse. Know them, involve them and make their liking yours.
· Before getting into an extra marital affair, put yourself in your partner’s shoes.
· Remember that in an affair you only see someone else's good side because you don't know him or her well enough to see warts yet. That's known as “romanticizing” a relationship.
· Be aware of your level of emotional intimacy with your partner. And build on it.
· Resolve any sexual tension.
· Be honest with yourself and your spouse and do not hide facts from your partner.
· Be aware of infidelity “danger zones.” The workplace and the Internet can be dangerous to your marriage.
· Discuss with your spouse whenever you are feeling attracted to another person.
· Make your marriage a priority and involve fun elements in it.
· Create a marriage vision.
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6 Tips to achieve Work-LOVE balance!
07 Sep 2015
Is your work life interfering with your love life? Are you having setbacks in your relationship in your quest to achieve your career goals? Are you afraid that your present relationship might fail too just like your past relationships because you get too much involved in your work? Have you began to think that work life and love life cannot go hand in hand?
Well, your work love balance is no more a myth. It is 100% possible to manage work and love both. Here is how:
1. Compartmentalize and manage the timings for both: If you allot time for activities related to work and relationship and do not mix them up, you will be relieved from a lot of stress. When you work, you work and when you are enjoying a romantic dinner with your significant other, you should be doing just that.
2. Know when to say no: If you are constantly getting feelings that your relationship is pulling you back or you are consistently being stressed because of your partner, it is time to reconsider your relationship. The factors to reconsider can be is your partner emotionally abusing you, is your partner is not understanding at all or is your partner extremely demanding or even threatening. Similarly, if you think your work is getting in the way you’re your relationship, like breaking off your marriage which will be too much for you take, set up a meeting with your supervisor to discuss your workload or try considering alternatives.
3. Communicate: Communicate openly to your partner. Clear expectations about how your career is going affect your lives, the sacrifices you both may have to make and for how long. Last minute cancellation or postponement of plans doesn’t do any good. Say, if you are expecting an important office call in the middle of a movie date, tell your partner so. If your partner is supportive of your career, he or she will be prepared for it. Also, make some gestures that your partner is important to you too by making some surprise plan if you have less work load like showing up in the middle of a working day and taking him or her to lunch.
4. Prioritize: Reflect on your decisions before finalizing them, how they are going to affect you and your partner. Decide based on how much you are okay with the impact, and then go ahead with them.
5. Share household duties: If your partner feels you are taking your household responsibilities seriously too, he or she will be supportive of your work responsibilities too.
6. Express yourself: Sending a quick email or a whatsapp message telling your partner you are thinking of him or her or bringing a small gift while coming home can help you maintain the spark of your wor-love balance. Forgiving and apologizing is another way to secure things at both ends.
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Tags: marital issues, extra marital relationship, grief, abandonement