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I was always compared by others in family

17 Aug 2016

“Hi, my name is Taruna Kapoor, I am 32yrs and married for 6yrs. I have a 4yr old daughter. I am an IT professional and work in a multinational company.
I live in a joint family with my husband, in-laws and older brother in law and his wife (Bhabhi). Ours’s was a love marriage.
I was always a little different girl, not like a typical girl. I disliked house chores and cooking.
I was more street smart and keen on work outside the house like bank work, grocery or arranging and managing outside errands. I always liked this difference in me, until I got married.
My confidence dropped gradually after marriage. I became an unsure person who feels, she can’t do anything well. I also felt that not being a typical “Indian girl” is like a disease you and people around can’t live with. I feel confused how I can hate a part of me which I always liked.
I am not very good with cooking, but very good with managing cooking preparations. I am fast at it and do it with perfection. However, my sister in law who makes me do all the preparation takes away the credit just because eventually. My mother in law always makes me feel I am useless
and do nothing.
There is always a comparison between me and my sister in law. Even my husband compares me with my mother in law and sister in law who cook the meal and serve. I have taken up to other household chores like cleaning, dusting, managing the grocery supply, etc. but I have always been made to feel the only way to be a good wife is if I cook food.
I always argue on this which makes everyone upset with me.
Now I have a child, and I am not very patient with my child. I do get angry when my child argues.
I shout at him. And my husband keeps telling me that I can’t deal with my child. I am good for nothing. He always tells me to look at my sister in law and the way she deals with her children. It hurts me that he doesn’t see that I am very creative and teach a lot to my child. Children enjoy with me and come to play with me. I can’t cook good for my child, and he always likes what my Bhabhi cooks. I am ok with it. But people around are not. Now they make me feel guilty. I feel I am not good mother because I can’t cook good food my child.
With constant comparison and feeling of incompetence , I am feeling like I am useless.
My capability as a mother, wife and daughter in law is a question mark. Feeling of being not good enough is now even reflecting at my work place. I am losing myself my confidence. “
I read ePsyClinic articles on facebook and thought I must take a shot at their counseling. Dr.Anuja, Counsellor at ePsyclinic showed me that I 1 st needed to accept myself with all my perfection and not so perfect self as told by the society.  
I was shown acceptance and approval for what I am. This environment of empathy and acceptances, showed me that I need to put my happiness just as much as a priority as happiness of people around me. I don’t need to take careof my husband as his mother did, he is a grown up now. I can give him love and affection.
I need not be in the kitchen 24*7 because I don’t want to. There are many other ways I can contribute tomy family by sharing responsibilities as per my likes and dislikes. I want to be my own and not a clone of 10000 years old women that society is making.
Today after 3months, I feel more confident. I am assertive. Politely I convey what I wish to do and how I can be part of family responsibilities. I can’t cook well and I don’t like to and ITS OK.
I know how comparisions can feel. Don't trade your happiness because someone feels you are not like them. Why do we need to be like others?
Now I feel happy when my husband says I am not like his mother :) 

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Tags: #compared #no good #less good