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There is No Need to Balance between your Wife & Mother .. Here's why

15 Aug 2016

Is ‘balance’ between mother and wife necessary or just a healthy approach to understand relationship is all that is needed.

— Moulika Mandal


A man just before getting married gets bombarded with messages like from many family members, the bhabhis, the didis, the causual jijas' that hope you won't forget your mom after marriage. This discussion often occurs in front of the mother. The man starts living in fear that may be he has to "Balance" in this relationship.


The moment he gets married, in his head the clock is divided. 5 minutes with wife means may be 10 minutes with mother or atleast 5.


Commonly, a husband experiences a tug between wife and his mother which might bring along a lot of dissonance between the family because a person is caught between the woman who has been there for him all his life and another woman who he has to spend his rest of life with.


Ideally, the notion is incorrect and the pressure by society is incorrect. The society usually ignores the struggles and issues faced by a woman after marriage and how her world is upside down after her marriage.


This  becomes even more difficult to manage when the husband and husband’s family doesn’t want to accept any change within themselves because of a new member is added to the family. Expectations like a wife must accept husband in life without issues is always there. However, that is not same for the wife and there is only more pressure on her.


The question is why should a man have to balance it out?


Even if initially the husband is giving more time to his wife, its only expected and normal since she just came in his life and relationship has to be formed. The wife has left her own family to be with her husband and initial days of the marriage is especially that time when the bonding and the attachment happens. If the husband is spending more time with the wife, why is it taken that she is snatching away her husband from everybody else. It just means he is giving the much needed time to a newly formed relationship. Instead of seeing it as taking away years of love and position, see it as an investment being made to form years of relationship.


If the husband starts to show support it becomes an issue of insecurity that the husband is completely falling for his wife.


And this holds true for the mother as well. He has every right to spend time with his mother and care for her. That relationship is independent of the relationship with wife.

The obvious competition created by society, families is at best very odd. A mother's place and a wife's place is absolutely different with no connection whatsoever with each other.


Things that we hear and that force men to think otherwise is

“ You only listen to your wife now. You are not our son anymore.”

“ Your wife is always influencing you and taking you to her side.”

“ Why do you support your wife all the time?”

“ You spend way too much time with your wife and we don’t matter to you anymore.”

“ You always think of your mother and not me.”


Only, if the above isn’t the case, there won’t be any situation of ‘balancing between the mother and wife’.


All is needed is some basic understanding between the wife and mother, and no ‘choosing’ between them is necessary.


The need of a mother to control one’s child forever will only reflect as the child’s personal growth being hampered and inability to take control of his own life.


It is a fact that wife is going to be an integral part of the husband’s life forever, she will supposedly start a family with him and be with him for the rest of her life. She does need his support and time. Mother is and is always be his mother.


The need to create competition here leads to several emotional and mental health issues. The ability to enjoy the closre relationships is needed.


If you see your marriage on the rocks because of these balancing issues, do not wait.  Time may only increase the distance, Instead seek help now!


Online Marriage Therapy at ePsyClinic can even be successful in cases where one partner is willing for therapy and the other is not.


Type your message in the GREEN CHAT BUTTON on left to connect now with an ePsyClinic Guidance Psychologist. Go for it! Don't think twice :)