I am a WIfe, A woman and I have learnt to say NO!
16 Feb 2016
Story of an ePsyClinic Client - Sunita
I am a simple girl from an educated middle class family. I was brought up with middle class values. The training to become the quintessential house wife started at the age of nine itself. In few years I knew how to cook, knit, embroider, take care of the young ones in the house and manage other household work. I often heard my relatives say what perfect wife I would make. That interestingly, made me happy.
The other thing I was good at was academics and loved writing poems. I would write about the beauty of the starry sky, the bees and flowers and so on. I graduated with a degree in computer engineering and got myself a job. I loved my job which I was very good at. I had wonderful company and was totally living my life. That is when my parents decided that I needed to get married. They convinced me. I got married to a college professor. Like I said, I was a simple girl who wanted nothing much from the husband other than he would keep me happy. But all of that started coming with conditions.
First, I was asked to leave my job because I couldn’t have gotten a job in the city where my husband was working and he wouldn’t try and move because he is living close to his family there. I moved in with my husband leaving my job. I tried my best to stay positive and be happy with husband. But when I would be alone in the house, doing the household chores, I would miss my job. In some time, my in laws came to stay with us. My mother in law would tell me what to cook, where to go, even what to wear and also, tell me how keeping my husband and his family happy is my destiny. Strangely, she never talked about my happiness. Eventually, I started getting drained emotionally.
I became less responsive and less concerned about my personal grooming. Me and my husband started getting disconnected too. That is when it stuck my mother in law. “You know what is keeping you from becoming happy now. A baby!”. So, we had a baby. And I got more responsibilities. From cleaning up, feeding the baby, to getting blamed if any small thing goes wrong. I was the daughter of my parents, mother of my child, wife of my husband and daughter in law of my parents in law.
I felt my own identity completely dissolving. Who was I? I had no clue. My life became more mechanical. I stopped expressing, got easily irritated, I would binge eat or sometimes go without eating at all, I would spend sleepless nights and never wanted to get out of the bed at all. I seemed to have nothing to look forward to, no future for myself. All I had to do was to play the multiple roles I was assigned to do.
One day, while cleaning, I came across an old diary. It had my old poems. I started reading about how I used to care about the beautiful starry skies I had written about. I started shaking and crying uncontrollably. I had lost myself. I had compromised myself for others. I knew I needed help.
I came across the name ePsyClinic.com. It is an online counseling setup.
From the first session itself, I started realizing how everything can be changed and I found myself again. I started to decide for myself. Assertiveness was apparently the answer to all my woes. Compromise wasn’t certainly working out for me. I said NO and chose self respect, I said NO and demanded my own ‘me’ time, I said NO to the responsibilities which wasn’t actually mine. It was difficult at the beginning. It was difficult for my family members to absorb the sudden change in me. But eventually, they understood that relationships work both ways.
Compromise is not only my part of the work. My child’s responsibilities are my husband’s too, I need help in the kitchen, and all other household work because it is not just me living in the house.
I have joined a job here. It doesn’t pay me as much as my old job but it surely gives containment. I have also added a few more poems to my old diary. I live for myself too now. I am happy.
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Tags: #Emotional Abuse #women #pain #depression #empowerment