Majority problems in Marriage Happen because of the “THIRD”!
08 Dec 2015
When many marriages break up in our country and the ones still running have fights and discord in them, it's obvious that many couples are in trouble.
Sadly, the stress seems to be only increasing from many directions.
There is a beautiful honeymoon phase at the beginning of every relationship where couples fall madly in love with each other regardless of any major differences. After the honeymoon phase comes the adaptation phase. Personal quirks that used to be cute become annoying. Discomfort, issues and even fights take place;
Have you wondered what could be causing so much stress in the couple! The blame for an incompatible marriage falls on the shoulder of the couple. But in most situation it’s not them. It’s the many THIRD factors that are creating difference, irritation, anger and fights in their relation.
It had been 4months to Aarti and Ashwin’s marriage. Theirs’s was a love marriage and they had dated each other for 3 long years. Aarti was a daughter from a well-educated and higher middle class, Maharashtrian family. She had a good career as an Investment banker. She had two older siblings; Sister and brother. Her parents inculcated importance of education, independence and equality between all siblings. She had grown seeing her father helping her mother with smallest of the house work.
Ashwin was a Chartered Accountant and born in a higher middle class Gujarati family. He had a younger sister and worked in a consulting company. Ashwin was a pampered child since he was a “boy”. Independence with regards to doing things in the house like picking up his own plate, washing vessels, or serving food was considered work of women only.
Ashwin had shown no hesitation in Aarti working after marriage and this alone had made her feel that transition from her family to his would be smooth.
The 1st one month of marriage were all very good. However slowly and steadily a lot of differences were making their marriage bitter.
What were the various factors causing problems?
Cultural Values: Inequality in men and women often leave women feeling victimised. Most Indian men, thanks to the patriotic culture feel that house work is a women’s responsibility. Most often inequality doesn’t just stop at house work or profession. It even extends to social life of women.
Aarti’s wish to go out for a late night party was not appreciated by her in laws. However her husband had all the freedom he needed. She was expected to manage work and family chores and a help from her husband was strongly criticized by Ashwin’s family.
Influence of religious believes and age old customs: respecting religious values of each other is not same as respecting and following religious customs forced on couple.
Aarti found it very difficult to follow the family ritual of cooking after bath in the morning. This often got her irritated and argumentative with Ashwin. Ashwin could not understand her irritation or empathise with her. For him this custom was normal.
Relations with family members: Inability to adapt and accommodate to various relations surrounding the marriage leaves them stressed. This stress slowly makes its way to the bedroom of the couple.
Aarti was used to addressing her parents in 1st tense while it was just the opposite in Ashwin’s family. When she would talk in her usual style with Ashwin’s family, Aarti was often misunderstood as rude and arrogant. She was an independent women and was used to taking most decision on her own. A constant questioning from her mother in law was perceived by her as “interference”.
Influence of peers: where is often we start our married life on assumptions or experiences of our peers. This can have a very negative influence. We also feel that less time with friends after marriage is due to restrictions on our space.
Work commitment: In the competitive world like hours long hours at work, working on holidays, being available to work demands at any hours; have become norms. As a result of this couples get less quality time with each other, they always have pressure to manage work and house responsibilities.
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Tips to avoid the “THIRD” element to create problems in your relationship
Know yourself: It’s important for both partners to know each other well. Getting to know the other without being aware of one’s own weakness and strengths would be a futile effort.
Use your courtship period well: Courtship period should be utilised to know your “to be partner” well. Knowing well includes knowing each other’s similarities, likes, dislikes and differences. One must analyse differences in religious customs, traditions, family values, upbringing and cultural differences.
Talk your differences: Discussing sensitive matters can avoid later fights in the couple. Acknowledging a difference, analysing its effect on married life and finding a solutions for it, is important.
Minimize influence of “third person” in your marriage: Be It your friend, your relative or family member ensure that their views and perspectives do not have a negative influence on your marriage. One must remember that the third person’s notion is influenced by his/her own life experiences and thus can often lead to biases.
· Manage your relation: art of time management and prioritizing your needs, always help marriages.
· Open and amicable communication: Being open to each other and discussing issues in amicable and respectable manner leads to healthy communication in couples.
· Seek professional help: When you fail to cope with your current marital problems or you wish to make your relations stronger, you must find mental health professionals/counsellors to help you out. Pre-marital/Marital counselling can help couple a great deal. Confronting areas of problem in a no judgemental environment has always shown to have better results.
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Tags: #Marriage #Third #Fights