Why is the TalkTime with My Wife only About Arguments?
06 Nov 2015
When you marry a woman your role gets extended and your responsibilities grow manifolds. Nuptial vows provide you with an understanding that your wife is an integral part of your life and she would be your ultimate guide and support in challenges and struggles of your life. She would stand with you in your happy and sad times. However, just merely idealising marriage would not fulfil your role demands as well as the responsibilities.
As a husband, when you move ahead in your marriage with an intention to have a cordial and pleasant marital relationship with your wife. In the process, you discover that marriage carries with it complexities, discomforts, upsets, resentments, disagreements and misunderstandings.
You discern the nuances of discordant marital relationship.
You may perceive the manner in which your wife communicates with you about meeting her day to day demands and fulfilling her numerous responsibilities annoying.
You may perceive that your wife never remains happy and satisfied with you no matter what you do.
You may perceive that your wife never understands your desires, needs, feelings and your perspective.
You may perceive that no matter how hard you try still your wife finds fault in you.
You may perceive that your wife has psychological and emotional issues because she always brings out different causes of arguments and fights.
You may attribute dissatisfaction and unhappiness in your life to your wife’s attitude and behaviour towards you.
Conflicts or Disagreements arise for you when your wife mentions the following:
She may express her discomforts, tensions arising from in-laws over involvement, and interference.
She may hold different attitudes and beliefs about sexual, or romantic ideas. She may expect you to fulfil them.
She may expect you to fulfil her emotional needs of love and care the way she perceives them.
She may expect you to spend quality time with her.
She may expect you to praise her physically.
She may expect you to share household responsibilities related to cleaning, washing, cooking, purchasing groceries equally as she is also working like you.
She may expect you to be more involved in parenting children the way she is involved.
She may expect you to show concern, love and care to her own parents. She may expect you to participate and pay visits or spend time with her own parents as well.
She may expect you to be a part of her social circle i.e. her own friends, family and relatives.
She may expect you to intelligently, responsibly plan and organise course of actions related to events.
In consequence, You may either take the avoidace route where:
You may fear talking to your wife, thinking she would argue and fight with you on different issues.
You may feel that there is no joy/happiness left.
You may feel hopeless and helpless that your marital relationship will never change.
You may feel it difficult to get across your wife when it comes to sharing your upset.
ü You may avoid going to home and think of escaping from this unpleasant situation by spending your evening doing overwork at office, or being with friends or going to bar or other places of interest etc.
Or you may take an aggressive route where:
You may express your upset, irritation and anger towards your wife at her increasing demands and expectations.
This may provoke her to behave in a defensive way with you. She may become angry and upset too with your negative expression of emotion (anger) and may either defend herself by giving you reasons behind her actions or counterattack your actions by screaming, shouting, nagging, using sarcasm, putting blame and accusations on you and asking you to be more responsible, accountable and sensible in your actions.
As a result, you both may feel unloved, rejected, abandoned, unacknowledged, unappreciated, misunderstood by her.
You both become trapped in this vicious circle of anger!!
However, feelings of sadness, anger, inadequacy, feeling of low self esteem, low self worth, negative self image and inferiority affects your inability to resolve conflicts and make decisions as well as it complicate the dynamics of your marital relationship more as the cycle of unresolved disagreements is continued.
Tips to help reduce fights and arguments with wife
Remain calm and listen to your wife’s perspective calmly rather than engaging with her in fights and arguments. Accept that indulging in fights and arguments would lead to more fights and arguments. Focusing and identifying the problem and resolving the issue of conflict would help both of you to experience satisfaction in your relationship.
Avoid using criticism, sarcasm, negative remarks, or blame .
Convey your negative emotions like sadness, anger, frustration in a one on one cool discussion rather than blaming or using sarcastic words. Sarcastic words and emotional hurt would leave deep wounds in both your and your partner's mind and will become what we call in medical science, a negative memory.
Convey your perspective, your needs to your wife in a non-confrontational manner.
Try not to assume and draw meanings about each other’s actions. Try to always verify your assumptions. Sometimes, when we draw our own assumptions about others' actions, we self create a conflict
If you believe the disagreement will turn into heated argument, try to bring the focus on the main issue or object of disagreement. Brainstorm solutions and negotiate to bring a win win solution for both of you
In a discussion always focus on the points which you both agree to be true as opposed to discussing the disagreements first.
Always deal with the issue when both of you are relaxed and calmed down. Always remember that both of you need to give each other’s perspective, its value, respect and importance.
Treat each other with respect and regard.
If you are experiencing a troubled relationship with your wife and both of you need to resolve issues, here at ePsyClinic.com, our marital relationship experts can guide you through the process, to better your relationship with your wife.
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