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Talktime with my husband is only Arguments and More Arguments!

20 Oct 2015

As a small girl I have always lived the dream of marrying and imagined spending my life with my spouse who would share with me life’s joy, happiness, pleasure, fears, worries, frustrations, regrets, and disappointments. Fantasies about marriage did set my expectations including how my married life and spouse would be. In addition, some of expectations were also set by observing closely the marital relationship of my own parents as well as by observing relationship array depicted in media.

Never have I thought dreams and reality of marriage could be so different from each other. Marriage between two people is more than nuptial vows taken at the time of rituals. Here, life’s vital transition begins when both man and woman begin the process of knowing each other closely and broadly in different areas of functioning i.e personal, social, recreational, financial, as well as professional. In others words, they try to perceive, understand, and interpret each other’s attitudes, beliefs, preferences, likes and dislikes, values, ideas, assumptions, and personality traits with their need to work with each other to achieve their common goal i.e. of fulfilment, contentment and happiness in marriage.

However, happiness in your marriage comes to a halt when you think that as a woman you cannot communicate to your spouse about your needs, wants and desires. You may perceive that a barrier has  built between both of you and no communication could get across. The more you think about unhappy state of your marriage, the more thoughts related to whether you should stay in marriage or not strike your mind. The major hurdle you perceive in the smooth functioning of your marital relationship is the ineffective and hampered communication between you and your spouse.

Due to this hampered communication, you begin to develop rigid negative attitude about your spouse and your relationship with him. Growing disagreements related to everyday issues and inability to think and resolve these issues leave behind emotional marks which occupy your mind incessantly becoming the source of persistent stress, tension, fear, and sadness. 

Often the causes of disagreement with the spouse may be related to differences in both of yours viewpoints. Differences in spouses’ viewpoints can be traced back to each spouse’s personality, family upbringing, values & beliefs, expectations and social learning.

Disagreements are often related to

v  Your in- laws over involvement and interference (in daily matters)

v  Best ways to parenting children (setting limits, disciplining and pampering them)

v  Financial matters (saving and spending)

v  Relationship of husband with ex (or with other female friends),

v  Division of household chores (husband taking less interest in doing housework),

v  Dividing work and home life (absence of husband from home, husband over involved in work)

v  Hobbies/recreational activities (husband spending his time in solitary leisure activities –watching T.V, playing sports, going to parties)

v  Sexual life (differences in romance, creating physical intimacy).

A disagreement on these issues is often perceived by your spouse differently than what it is intended to mean. When you communicate about your unfulfilled and frustrated wants and desires to him, he may react defensively and aggressively.

He may protect his own self (from experiencing stress and tension) either by justifying his actions/behaviour i.e. explaining you reasons behind his actions of not been able to meet your desires or may remain silent or show emotional distant behavior which may suggest that he does not want to resolve issues between two of you. This may make you more angry, frustrated, ignored and unheard.

He may aggressively react by labelling, criticising, blaming, accusing you for your actions. He may intend that you accept your mistakes. And in defense, you may react in a similar way carrying a similar tone which may start a vicious circle of arguments and fights between two of you, and deteriorating the dynamics of marital relationships.

Such unhealthy reactions by between both of you may create tremendous dissatisfaction, unhappiness, discontentment and grief in the relationship. It may strongly affect yours and yours husband’s willingness to change the relationship to become better.

 Here are some Important tips to help you deal with your husband’s arguments and fights

Acknowledge that disagreements in viewpoints between two people could often result in defensive reactions. These are normal reactions. Accept them. Try to identify these patterns in your spouse behaviour and deal with these reactions.

Listen to your spouse when he is engaged with you in a verbal fight or argument. Listen to him rather than defend yourself or counterattack him.

If you think your spouse has calmed down to some extent, with some apologies, try to agree on the part you think is true about you, and explain your reasons, rather than react defensively. This will take heat out of the situation. Give reasons if you thinkfor what he is saying is invalid, this will help remove misunderstanding. Ask him specific behaviours that created disagreements and resolve the concerns related to specific issues.

Encourage your spouse to talk to you, when both of you are calmed down.

You need to work effectively in dealing with the problem situation. The issue is not who is right or who is wrong. The issue is about the differences in viewpoints. Become empathetic and try to understand each other’s perspective, wants and desires. Create solutions (win win solution) which will satisfy both of you.

Accept that when you prove him wrong and prove yourself right then it will often escalate the verbal fight and arguments.The same applies to him. 

Try to focus on the main issue of disagreement rather than getting trapped in the vicious circle of arguments and fight. Learn and accept each other differences in viewpoints and negotiate your way so that both of you feel that you have been heard properly.

Treat each other with respect and regard.

Identify the verbal and nonverbal signs of your spouse becoming angry with disagreement. Emphasise his focus on the issue of disagreement and brainstorm solutions to resolve issue then making disagreement into heated fight.

Avoid criticising, labelling, blaming or accusing your spouse. Such unpleasant remarks are hurting for both of you. Focus on the issue which needs to be resolved.

If you are experiencing a troubled relationship with your husband and both of you need to resolve issues, our marital relationship experts can guide you through the process to better your relationship with your husband

Just click the pink button on the left to consult a relationship psychologist expert

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Tags: #arguments #fights