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What should you do: Mom & wife issues

28 Sep 2015


Out of many issues that cause marital discord between the couple, an important one is issue related to your relationship with your mother and the relationship you share with your wife.

After getting married, you are expected to act responsibily in your new role of being a man in your wife’s life.

As you have been the apple of your mother's eyes, unconsciously, your mother may sometimes get protective about your relationship with her (your mother) and may depend suddenly more on you to fulfil her emotional needs.

Habitually, over the years of upbringing, you may have also gained trust, comfort and are more inclined to share your experiences with your mother than your wife.

You may prefer to consult her for important decisions about your life than to your wife.

You may even discuss with her, crucial matters related to your conflict with your wife. In addition, your wife and you may not lbe able to enjoy the privacy of the moment, much needed in initial few years of marriage.

All these situations may leave a drastic impact on your wife’s mind. She may find herself constantly in the state of flux of negative feelings.

She may be occupied with uncontrollable negative thoughts that you have betrayed her, and that you do not rely on her judgement, you have embarrassed her in front of family members etc.

She may feel insecure, unwanted, unhappy, disappointed, dissatisfied, inadequate, angry and frustrated not only with herself but with the relationship with you. She may contempt your relationship with your mother and sister.

Consequently, her frustration and anger may turn into arguments, and verbal fight that may only emphasize her unmet emotional need to feel secured, wanted, loved and valued by you. Thus, you may act defensively in arguments with your wife with the intention to safeguard their image (mother as well as sister’s) in her mind.

Your justifications and explanations may convey to your wife, unwanted messages that you do not want to listen to her concerns, you take sides and that she is less important to you. Amidst arguments, you may develop negative image about your wife or doubt your own competency to handle marital relationship.

 If this described you and your early months of marriage then you are not alone... 45% of all couples in India experience this or a more severe form of discord for reasons stated above.

 Inability to cope with stress and tension can lead to disturbance in mood, depression and anxiety both for you and your beloved wife

Therefore, it is very crucial to address and resolve marital conflicts as well as the reasons leading up to it so that you maintain healthy and satisfying relationship with your wife along with your mother/sister.  


Tips that will help you to establish healthy marital relations with your wife are:

1. Your wife is going to be your partner for life. She values you the most. You must do this too. If you will keep each other as your priority and support each then your relationship with your wife will be more positive and satisfying. She will feel wanted, secure and valued in your relationship with her.

2. Taking decisions, discussing issues or concerns with your wife will make her feel important, valued, appreciated, respected and significant as a person. You can seek your mother’s and sister’s advice too but please appreciate that your home now is your wife’s home too so let her be involved in the decision making process.

3. Communicate politely to your mother/siblings about responsibilities that you now also hold towards your wife. Setting right and fair expectations helps cut unecessary complications...

4. Avoid discussing marital issues with your mother/siblings. Communicating these issues directly to your wife will help you resolve them in a healthy manner. In addition, discussing marital issues with your parents may make them doubt your marital relationship even after the issue has been resolved.

Parental love and support is important for each one of us but it is also important to keep the emotional needs of your spouse as your priority too.

You don't have to choose either /or but you should help the "Weness" in the family increase by playing a more proactive role

If there is trouble between husband and  wife and they are not valuing each other, then our couple counseling can help a great deal. 

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Tags: #mother in law #wife #balance #love